Grimace wins. Grimace always wins.

Some months back I wrote about the tragic circumstances involving my purchase of a Big Mac with one (1) beef patty from the Riverhead McDonald’s. Not being able to let this stand, I wrote a strongly worded letter to McDonald’s. Their response, and my ensuing reaction, is yet another example that consumer laziness will generally trump dissatisfaction with service.

Behold:

Hello Tino:

Thank you for taking the time to contact McDonald’s regarding our website, www.mcdonalds.com. We always appreciate hearing from our customers.

We apologize you were unsatisfied with our website. Please know your comments have been shared with our Web Development Team. I am certain they will further investigate.

Again, thank you for contacting McDonald’s.

Jennifer
McDonald’s Customer Response Center

Clearly, they didn’t follow the link I included in my original complain. Upsetting. So I responded in kind:

Your continued intransigence on this matter baffles me. A few days ago I contacted your website in good faith about a Big Mac I received at one of your restaurants that was missing fully 50% of it’s meat content, or one (1) beef patty. Not able to fit the entire complaint into your 1500 character limit, I instead wrote my letter, posted it online, and linked to it with a comment about how inadequate said limit was for properly discussing important matters like this.

Well, on Sunday I received a response relating to the issue of the website’s rather pedestrian character limit from a “Jennifer”. However, there was not a word about the more pressing issue – the damaged Big Mac I received. “She” clearly did not take the time to read my well-thought out letter, which I provided a link to, in an effort to alleviate my distress.

Please bear in mind that my patience has been exhausted and I will be patronizing the Salads, Wraps, N’Such in the Tanger Food Court until I receive a response appropriate to my issue. However, I do thank you for considering the issues with your complaint page.

Thank you,
Tino

Whatever customer service representative read this (rightly) caught on to the fact that I’m an asshole, so there was no response. Still, not even a coupon? Weak.

As for my boycott? It has ended, but I limit myself to the dollar menu. Food courts are fucking pricey, man.

The Return of It’s Always Sunny In Medford, Now With More Complaining.

Hello and welcome, old friends. It’s been a while. So long, in fact, that you may be asking yourself what the occasion is. What momentous, life changing event has spurred me back here, to share my wisdom and general being-right-about-everything-ever-ness? Well, you’re in luck, because my misfortune is your gain. Have a look:

You may recognize what I am holding in my hand. It is a half-eaten McDonald’s Big Mac. If you look closely, you should be able to notice two things:

  1. Half-eaten food looks kind of disgusting, but half-eaten fast food looks especially disgusting.
  2. There is only one beef patty in this Big Mac.

Look closely. You will notice the arrangement, top to bottom, is bun-patty-bun-cheese-lettuce-bun. They forgot an entire beef patty. They somehow forgot fully 50% of what makes a Big Mac a Big Mac and not a cheeseburger with thousand island dressing on it. 

What I find most puzzling about this is that there was cheese and lettuce between the bottom two buns, but no meat. It’s as if they skipped over that part of the assembly line when making this burger. Imagine taking a car home without half an engine (I think this actually happened to everyone who bought a Daewoo one year*)? You couldn’t, of course, but just imagine. It’d be terrible. This was terrible. This was my 1997 Daewoo Leganza.

Understandably, I was outraged. It happened on New Year’s Eve while I was working at the mall, and everything was definitely not sunny in Riverhead that day.

Hence, I have decided to draft a letter of complaint to McDonald’s in the hopes that I will receive suitable compensation, as I couldn’t think of a worse way to end my year than being shafted on an American classic. My letter follows.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am contacting you and the McDonald’s Corporation with a grave complaint about food I recently received at one of your locations. I have been a life-long consumer of your meals and, as a recreational athlete, can speak for its role in turning me into the man I am today. I’m also a working man, and this past New Year’s Eve I was ensuring the gears of American Commerce remained well-oiled while others were out “planning parties” and “taking the day off because they have real jobs”. That day for my meal break I chose, as I’ve done many times before, to partake in your Big Mac as my preferred means of sustenance.  I went back to our store’s break room, and with excitement I bit into my burger, but there was something uncanny about this particular Big Mac – and not in the cool, X-Men way. On second thought, you could say that this was the Jubilee of Big Macs: ill-conceived and unloved.

The problem, you see, was that this Big Mac was 50 percent the Big Mac it was meant to be. As you can clearly see in the attached photo, it was missing an entire meat patty. Now, I don’t want to come down on any of your employees – like I said, I’m a working man myself, and we all make mistakes. However, you can imagine my distress at receiving a sandwich that consisted of solidly 75% bread. Maybe if I had ordered a “Big Bread”, I would understand, but I didn’t. Also, please do not introduce a sandwich called the Big Bread.

Having only a 15 minute meal I obviously had nary an opportunity to go back to the Food Court and inform your employees of this oversight, so I soldiered on and finished this poor wounded burger off. I then toughed it out and worked the rest of my shift. However, it bears noting that my job pays only $9 an hour. I work hard for that money, and with the price of an extra value meal being what it is, it’s essentially worth an entire hour of work. Now, I’m normally willing to pay that much for satisfaction, but unfortunately on New Year’s Eve I only received half the satisfaction that I paid for. You could say that it’s hard to Protect This House™ with that kind of disappointment lingering over your day.

I hope that you and your company can address this situation. I plan to remain a loyal customer, as yours is the only burger establishment within walking distance, but I do reserve the option of switching permanently to wraps for lunch if this is not remedied.

Thank you for your time, I eagerly await your response.

Tino Evangelou

Concerned Customer

I think that this letter gets the point across without being too nasty. What do you guys think?

Stay tuned for next time, when I’ll probably have a follow-up to this sad, pathetic story and some more good stuff. No, like, actually good, maybe.

* – Not actually true, as far as I know.