Media-Whoring Baby Factory Makes Another Baby, Gets More Media Whoring.

Remember Idiocracy? The movie about how the dumb people out-bred all the smart people so that America got progressively dumber? Well, it might just be happening. Mike Celizic, who’s better known as “HatGuy” to Fire Joe Morgan readers, takes a break from mediocre sportswriting to bring us this mediocre human-interest story about a family that just can’t stop having babies:

After 18 children, Michelle Duggar thought she knew what it feels like to be pregnant. But even she was caught by surprise to learn that just eight months after she gave birth to Jordyn-Grace, Duggar baby No. 19 is on the way.“We are thrilled to announce that we found out we’re expecting our 19th child,” a glowing Michelle Duggar told TODAY’s Meredith Vieira Tuesday from the family’s home in Springdale, Ark.

Right off the bat I’m supposed to believe that Michelle Duggar, she of the previous 18 children, who has spent the last two decades more or less pumping babies out, was surprised that she was (as we find out) having all sorts of unprotected sex and got pregnant yet again? The first 18 times weren’t surprising, but the 19th time, the 19th fucking time she got pregnant was? Either Michelle Duggar is dumb (likely), or she thinks whoever is reading this is pretty dumb. Seeing as the Today Show thought highly enough of this non-news conference to send Meredith Viera there and make a story out of it, maybe she should think everyone’s that dumb. I’m looking forward to Meredith asking Jon or Kate what they have to say about this because, you know, it’s important to tie the important news together.

We also find out that Duggar’s daughter-in-law Anna, the wife of his oldest child, was already expecting a child. After some usual fluff-piece banter about how Viera totally wished the kid would be named Meredith (LOL!), Anna Duggar offers this gem of a quote:

With just six weeks to go before delivery, Anna said, “I’m feeling good. I’m feeling really pregnant. It’s neat. It’s exciting. I definitely have great role models, and it’s neat to watch Mrs. Duggar teach and love her children.”

How this is any different from the millions of women that also “feel very pregnant” (is that a medical term?) right now, I don’t know, but I do know that considering your mother-in-law that’s having her 19th kid a “role model” means there might be a reality show in it for you down the road!

The Duggars, who star in the long-running reality show “18 Kids and Counting” on TLC, will have a grandchild who is older than their own child.

I’ve never seen this show (or even heard of it before reading this), but I’m going to wager a guess that this and the media attention the family gets might have something to do with the fact they can get off so comfortably and “debt-free,” as they put it. Also note that the show is called “18 Kids and Counting.” Very surprising indeed that you’d have another kid, Mrs. Duggar. when the name of your crappy reality show implies as much. Liar.

Then there’s this fun fact:

Michelle has now been pregnant 147 months of her life, with five more to go. That’s 12-plus years and counting.

I am, as you may know, a man. Hence, I will never have the unenviable task of carrying a child. However, I’m pretty sure that sounds downright unpleaseant. To be fair, I don’t expect any fluff piece like this to seriously challenge how socially irresponsible or reckless it is to have that many children, or even question how dumb it might be to glorify the act of having that many children (which seems to be the point of this whole exercise), but towards the end this article just veers off right towards Crazyville:

After Josh was born, Michelle went back on the pill. She got pregnant anyway and suffered a miscarriage, which her physician told them was probably caused by the pill. As conservative Christians, they decided after that to let God decide how many children they would have. They adhere to a Christian movement called Quiverfull, whose members take seriously the biblical exhortation to be fruitful and multiply and believe that every child is a gift from Providence.

Three things about this:

1. “Quiverfull” is an awesome name for a sect of Christianity that calls on having as many kids as possible. “Quiverfull” sounds like an outdated sexual euphemism, and possibly even something that would’ve been used in medieval erotic literature, which I think is spectacular.

2. Whether or not there’s a God or any other deity of your choosing, I’m pretty sure that if He does exist He doesn’t want you selfish assholes breeding dozens of kids that will grow up to breed more kids and help suck up every last drop of this whatever this planet has left to give everyone else. My kids are going to need food and water too. Dickheads.

3. Okay, I understand that the pill had some terrible, tragic consequences, and that led you to stop using it. I get that. Now, if only another device existed, perhaps something that could be worn by one of the partners during sexual intercourse with the intention of preventing a pregnancy. It would have a high rate of success, and allow you to enjoy all the benefits of getting your swerve on without any of the hassle of bearing 1.5 dozen children or more. I wonder if such a contraption exists?

Nah. Impossible.

All joking aside for a second, worldhunger.org estimates there may be as many as 13 million hungry or at-risk children in the United States alone. There are undoubtedly hundreds of millions more around the world. There are serious questions raised all the time about the continued abundance of food, water, and other natural resources on Earth as this century wears on, given that the fact the Earth’s population continues to climb (largely in underdeveloped areas thanks to a lack of education and poor access to contraceptives).

Given all of these things,  the idea that Celizic, Viera, NBC, TLC and whoever else makes a story out of these people want us to think things like “Wow! She’s been pregnant 12 years! What a mom!” and “Oh their grandkid is older than their kid LOL!” instead of making light of how stupid, selfish, and socially irresponsible having 19 children is, is a complete joke. I’m supposed to feel good for these people? Screw them. At the very least, stop giving them attention. Maybe they’d stop pumping out babies every 18 months as soon as Meredith Viera stopped showing up.

Sometimes I worry.