Dan’s Papers, Now With More Webpage-iness.

A while back I wrote a post about the inanity of Dan’s Papers, a “newspaper” dealing with the eastern part of Long Island. Dan’s Papers is a free publication, apparently subsisting entirely on advertising it gets from high end East End businesses as best as I can tell. It’s interesting and a tad puzzling to me that as the obituaries are being written for print media everywhere, a paper who’s mere publication is an affront to the existence of trees everywhere continues to succeed. Part of the problem for newspapers has been adapting to the internet era. However, if you’re looking for a reason why a lifestyle paper with no apparent redeeming qualities continues to be omnipresent in large parts of the Island, it certainly isn’t their not-so-cutting edge website. I discovered it after losing the most recent paper copy that a friend gave to me as some kind of gag, and it was more or less whatever I expected it to be: terrible.

Now, the website is functional. It appears to have been made in Microsoft Publisher by somebody who just got one of those introductory Microsoft Office CD’s that they sell to old people that have never touched a computer before, but it’s functional. Lucky for us, it contains the same quality material that you can find in the printed version of Dan’s Papers. I would say that this renders the newspaper essentially superfluous, but since it was superfluous to begin with, I can’t say that. What hard hitting journalism do we find in this edition? Let’s find out!

One of the charming things about Dan’s Papers is that it gives Dan Rattiner a platform to spew out brilliant ideas on pressing issues, like how the absurdly wealthy travel from their expensive midtown apartments to their expensive weekend homes in the Hamptons:

With the current economic downturn, even the rich are finding they need to cut costs on their day-to-day expenses. Last year’s 50-minute helicopter charter between 34th Street and the Hamptons could cost as much as $4,500 per charter if you were the only passenger. This year, with the price of gas down, it might be $3,900. It’s still a lot.

What if you could take the same trip for half the price, without all the noise on board, with much more comfort and still get there in the same 50 minutes?

I propose Hampton Zeppelin. This is not a joke.

Could’ve fooled me. And yes, even the rich have to cut down on their helicopter rides! How will they ever tough it out? Not mentioned is anything about how the FAA feels about zeppelins docking in the middle of Manhattan (we’re not talking the Gunga Diner thing from Watchmen here), but there is some mind paid to the potential downsides:

In Manhattan, choppers take off from the Wall Street helicopter pad and the 34th Street helicopter and seaplane pad on the East River. A zeppelin could be based at either of these, though I would agree that when searching for a Manhattan location there might be objections from neighbors who fear it might block their view. The zep is as large as a 25-story building on its side.

So you’re telling me people might have a problem with a massive fucking zeppelin flying by their windows? Crazy! Plebian concerns, I say. Also, note also the ZANY cartoon depicting a fictional zeppelin attendant who appears to be a World War I era German man. Take that, you krauts!

Another pressing issue to the life and well-being of Dan Rattiner? Space debris.

In all the years I have been writing this newspaper, I never have written about all the space junk thrown off by the various rockets and satellites. The first ones went up 40 years ago. That’s a long time. Since January, however, I have written about space junk twice, both times because of problems with it.

In all of the years writing this blog, I have never written about Dan’s Papers. It was written a long time ago. That’s a long time. Since last year, though, I have written about Dan’s Papers twice, both times because of problems with it.

From what I have been told, there are now millions and millions of pieces of junk circling the earth every day. It looks like a junkyard up there. And unless somebody goes up there leading a team of Cub Scouts armed with sharp sticks and plastic garbage bags, it’s only going to get worse.

Remember that this gets printed. And distributed. Widely.

Good news? Well, space aliens will be deterred. Who the hell wants to try to get through all that junk. What? To bang up this very expensive intergalactic flying saucer? And for what? To land down there and meet the idiots who did that?

Fire all thrusters. We’re doing a 180. And we’re heading home, Axoxxheh.

“Actually,” Axoxxheh noted in his journal, “the real reason we left was because we tapped into some kind of intellectual wasteland called ‘the internet’ and found some crazy man talking about me in his paper. We assumed the planet was populated by self-indulgent morons who wanted to fly zeppelins between these places called ‘Manhattan’ and ‘the Hamptons’, so we returned to our utopia on Tyxhamannoax. Also, there were bad jokes about us.”

You’re getting the jist of this by now. There’s one last article that caught my attention, and it proves that Dan’s Paper isn’t afraid to TAKE ON THE MAN YEAH:

Used to be you just went down to the ocean and went swimming, fishing or surfing without worrying about interference from bureaucrats. The air, water, sky and beach were free. You can still do those things for free if you want. But if you do, afterwards, you’ll go to jail.

Not to fear. I imagine a jailbreak would be easy, given some space debris to distract the guards and a zeppelin to make a steady, highly visible escape. I was down at the beach last month and, interestingly, was not arrested and thrown into the county jail. I even breathed air and made footprints in the sand! Surely I fought the law and won? Actually, no; the first paragraph just has nothing to do with what he’s actually talking about:

For example, the State of New York last week passed a law that will prohibit you going fishing for fluke aboard a boat from a harbor in this state from June 15 to July 3. That’s right. If a captain takes you out, you get the ticket if it’s you who caught the flounder and it’s he who gets the ticket for being an accessory to the crime of catching a flounder between June 15 and July 3.

First paragraph: you will go to jail for using the beach. Second paragraph: you actually only go to jail for fishing during a very particular time period. Also, replace “go to jail” with “get a ticket.” That’s close enough though, right? The rest of it is kind of a confusing commentary on a confusing law that doesn’t really make sense:

One expects that the beaches will be swarming with ticket issuing employees on the lookout for surfers surfing when they are not suppose to or for surfcasters surfcasting when they are not supposed to, or surfers surfcasting when they are allowed to, but without a license.

These lucky State employees, probably laid off from their paper pushing jobs in the downturn, are now back in business, and out on the beach getting some rays while doing it. How about that! We wish them the best. Thus does the State use its stimulus money for new shovel ready jobs.

Fuck me in the ear, does that last sentence even make sense? I guess they don’t do well enough to afford an editor. This one also ends on a hilarious and somewhat ironic note; after complaining about the threat of tickets the entire article, Dan offers this sage tongue-in-cheek advice: shoot people.

Anyway, the good news is that there are still a whole lot of things you can still do for free. You can breathe the air in and out. You can lie in the sun. You can go hang gliding at Napeague. You can go rowing in Lake Montauk and out in the Pecocnic Bay, you can … wait a minute. I forgot to say this. If you see anybody who works for the State of New York reading this last paragraph over your shoulder, shoot him.

Of course, you’ll need a license for that gun.

You’ll also need a defense attorney, because “murder” is, I believe, another one of those pesky laws New York State tends to frown upon. You could even plead insanity after reading Dan’s Papers! Zinger!

Speaking of insanity, I don’t think I want to do this ever again, so please don’t encourage me. Dan Rattiner: master of the helicopter-flying demographic, crack journalist, and apparently immune to the decline of print publications. If there isn’t a better example of the ridiculous fantasy world mystique surrounding the Hamptons than his publication, I don’t know what it is.