It’s Always Sunny In Medford #11
Posted by Tino Evangelou on April 1, 2009
Hello reader(s)! This time I’m just going to do a point-by-point discussion of whatever comes to my mind. Think of it as the McLaughlan Group, except with fewer old white guys. Also, no Pat Buchanan. We can all agree that this is a good thing.
Let’s get right to it.
Jason Mraz
Yes, I know. The “Jason Mraz is a terrible musician” horse has been beaten to death, resurrected in a zombie apocalypse, and then shot in the head for good measure. However, this story bears sharing: I had a half-day substitute teaching assignment last week and walked into the school’s office to sign in. After much confusion, however, I found that out my assignment had been canceled that same morning and my services were no longer needed. I woke up after a terrible night’s sleep, dressed up, and rushed out the door to school, all for nothing. Guess what song was playing in the office when my error became apparent?
Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours”, of course.
Beyond proving my long-held belief that any background music played in a room full of 50 year old secretaries has a 0% chance of being any good, it was completely and totally appropriate. I wasn’t done, though! On the way home, I stopped to pick up a couple of things at the supermarket, and I dropped a bottle of tomato juice in the one of the aisles. It exploded all over the place, making an ass of myself and continuing my shit morning, but at least Jason Mraz was still happy with his millions of dollars and LEGIONS OF FANS AND GOD DAMN IT ALL.
I believe there is only one rational and realistic explanation for my unfortunate Thursday morning: Jason Mraz and his satanic army of 15 year old girl fans (Oh snap!) have begun to put a hex on me. The song was an omen. This laptop may explode before I finish this posting. If it does, you know why.
Lady Gaga
I’m going to quickly break down every Lady Gaga video I’ve ever seen for you, all two of them. Ready? Go!
1) Introducing Lady Gaga, wearing some CRAZY outfit. What a CRAZY gal!
2) Here come Lady Gaga’s CRAZY friends. What a CRAZY group!
3) Lady Gaga and her CRAZY friends are having a party. A CRAZY DANCE party.
4) DANCING DANCING DANCING DANCING CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY.
Directing her videos must be an astoundingly easy job. All you need is a couple of rooms, some Cristal, and a ridiculous outfit for Lady Gaga to wear. Also, throw Akon into your first single, because he’s already in every song on top 40 radio and he gives you instant cred, amirite?
Team USA Baseball
If there’s one thing that’s become obvious about American team sports, it’s that it takes repeated embarrassment and disappointment for us to start giving a shit about how our teams do in international competition (see: 2001-2007 men’s basketball). That means we’ll be ready to win the World Baseball Classic just in time for the 2017 tournament, assuming the incredible amount of indifference towards it in the United States hasn’t torpedoed the entire thing by then. Then what, Japan?!
And finally…
The new look sucks, yes, I think we can all agree on that. However, I find it infinitely amusing that anytime there’s a change to Facebook there’s literally thousands of outraged status updates about it. I’m tempted to say there’d be less anger if Mark Zuckerberg went around the world and personally crotch-kicked everybody on Facebook. Every day there are literally a million fucked up outrage-worthy things that happen in the world that don’t get noticed*, but they decide to change the Facebook home page and suddenly THIS IS WAR MOTHERFUCKERS!
Here are all of the relevant facts on the matter:
- Mark Zuckerberg does not care about what you or I think.
The truth is, I won’t stop using Facebook. You won’t stop using Facebook. It’ll slowly become more of a tool for commerce to the point where it will make Zuckerberg more money than even he could imagine. And no, he’s not going to sell it to people that will start charging for its use, stop inviting me to that stupid group. Paying billions of dollars to buy Facebook and then charging the millions of already existing users for its continued use would be proximate to lighting those same billions of dollars on fire for shits and giggles (insert topical and snarky economic commentary here).
The real downside of the faux-twitter interface is that you see literally everything your friends post. Every inane quiz or application, for example, spams your news feed which is very important because you’ll be the first to know which one of your friends is most comparable to President Martin Van Buren (hint: whichever one has mutton chops). It’s not like I want everything on my profile to get vomited out onto the news feed, either; I’m well aware most people will not be interested in what my favorite video games are.
On the bright side, the Facebook home page changed after this meme craze passed:
What the fuck? I didn’t get tagged in one of these, but that’s okay. I don’t know how I’d feel about getting compared to an apparently asexual two-dimensional creature only capable of one emotion (but if I did I’d totally be the grumpy one LOL). I got tired of looking at this stupid-ass thing in my newsfeed. It’s not funny and it’s not cute. Enough.
Unfortunately, there’s an entire blog dedicated to these stupid things, but luckily none of the others have caught on…yet. I would say that anyone who tags me in one of these risks getting de-friended (oooh snap!), but let’s face it, I’m too lazy to follow through with any kind of threat like that. Just don’t do it.
* I realize the irony of complaining about Facebook users complaining about a relatively insignificant event. Don’t bother pointing it out to me.
That’s more of less all I could think of for this edition. Baseball season starts next week, which for Mets fans means this is the part of the year where we talk ourselves into believing that we’re not embarking on a months-long trek to Disappointmentville. Sports Illustrated even decided to get in on the joke this year and picked the Mets to win the World Series, almost certainly ensuring that it won’t happen. But hey, baseball! Enjoy.
Claudia said
I find this hilarious. I read your latest post, then this one, and I only came to your blog because one of my friends commented (on facebook, no less) that she loved Lady Gaga and I did a google search. (And yes, I do live under a metaphorical rock when it comes to music.) Grats on becoming popular on the internet, I plan to keep reading
Tino Evangelou said
Thanks! I said in the other thread it but I’ll say it here, now I have to write more, apparently.
gaby said
lol!
you’re very funny! I’m not really near 15, but I do like Jason Mraz though. lol bye! enjoy your popularity on the internet!
I don’t like lady gaga, but I was looking for a photo and yeah you have one of the first photos in google image search. All of your graphics caught my attention
Amanda said
This is pretty amusing. I, like Gaby, am not anywhere close to 15 but I do like Jason Mraz. But it is funny that he follows you around on your bad days. I have the same issue with “Tom Sawyer” by Rush. Something I wonder though, I think you may be the only person I’ve heard using “Oh Snap” in about five years or more….let it go..just let it retire.
Tino Evangelou said
Amanda:
No. However, I wish you luck escaping the cold, omnipresent, Canadian tentacles of Rush.
summer johnson said
i cant seem to understand what your point is… pathetic.
My First Hate Comment! Hooray! « The Condor Never Sleeps At Night said
[...] Facebook (because who cares?) or the product of my mockery of Derek Jeter worship. Take it away, Summer Johnson: i cant seem to understand what your point is… [...]
Shameer Khan said
I awoke this morning (good start to any day) after sleeping for 15 hours (bad end to most days) and found your posts, not by looking for a picture of lady gaga (looks around suspiciously). In general I agree with most of what you say, apart from facebook…I have, in face, unplugged myself from this social life support, and actually do things…I’ve seen the light, and it exists in another form other than the soft glow of a computer monitor. Also, is Lady Gaga attractive? I don’t get it. As for Jason Mraz…I really don’t care (secretly I was looking for a picture of him and stumbled upon the site), I don’t even know who he is.
Kayleigh said
Hahaha this made me laugh, obviously you get angered by the same things as me but as you said…we won’t stop using it