Hey everyone! I thought it was high time we brought a fresh new attitude to this series, one that better represents what the people out there want to see. To that effect, I’ve decide to rename this blog to Captain Feelgood’s Happy-Go-Lucky Blog of Merriment, Sunshine, and Unicorns That Poop Skittles. I hope you enjoy the new, upbeat flavor we’ve bought to the program.
For my first feature, which I’ve entitled Things That Don’t Make Me Want To Funnel Battery Acid Down My Throat, I’ve decided to focus on that which is great about this world. Things I really like. Things that make it worth it to get up in the morning and say “Hallelujah!” to the beautiful ladybugs that climb onto your bedroom window, or something.
First, I was going to talk about baseball, but the Mets don’t win every single game, so that’s no good. Then I was going to mention The Clash, but they just whined a lot about how much work sucks or how unfairly people get treated (lazy commies amirite?). Nirvana? Kurt Cobain blew his head off. No good. I went down the list and everything seemed to have something that a cynic could pounce upon. Peanuts? Anaphylactic shock. Pets? They die eventually. Stargazing? Beautiful, but too reminiscent of how ultimately trivial our planet is in the grand scheme of things. The music of Raffi? At some point, listening to Bananaphone becomes considered “socially unacceptable.” Phooey.
Wow, the world’s really an atrocious place huh? There’s something to complain about everywhere! Like, take for example eggplants.
Eggplants: Terrible.
Eggplants are absolutely the worst vegetable in the history of vegetables. I don’t understand why people like them. My father grows about 16,000 of the fucking things in our garden every year, to the delight of the rest of my family, and then carts them in and proudly boasts about the crop.”Look at these eggplants!” Yeah, great job Dad, now get that devil vegetable away from me.
Eggplants suck no matter the preparation involved. Can you eat it raw? No. That’s the first warning sign. If you can’t eat something out of the ground raw without it being disgusting or poisonous, warning flags go up. Call it the Caveman’s Trial and Error Principle. Tastes good? Keep it. Tastes bad/kills you? Chuck it. While I’m at it, squash and zucchini suck too (the only time I tried eating zucchini I immediately vomited), but let’s stick to eggplants for now.
Have you ever seen an eggplant dish that didn’t call for the eggplant to be smothered in tomato sauce or fried to hell? I’m going to ignore whatever your answer is and say no. Do you know why that is? Because eggplants taste terrible. I’m sure if the Italians had a choice they would have picked something other than eggplant for eggplant parmesan, but them’s the breaks, you know? Just like people in olden times eating cow brains. It’s not that they wanted to eat them. They were just there, sort of like eggplants. Why should I kid myself into thinking that by default makes something a delicacy? Now, I have a choice, and I will certainly not eat this purple abomination. Or cow brains, because, you know, I don’t want to get mad cow disease.
Now, broccoli? That’s a respectable vegetable. I don’t get why people complain about it so much. All of my favorite Chinese take-out dishes favor broccoli, and if it’s good enough for General Tso, it’s good enough for me. Ba-zing!
Speaking of vegetables, idiots that smash my side-view mirror off my car for shits and giggles are scumbags and should be sent to Guantanamo. Except now, Obama’s closing it, so maybe we can just lock them in a room and make them listen to hipsters argue about whose shitty favorite band is better instead. Do you believe a piece of plastic and a tiny little mirror costs $250? I didn’t either, until I paid the people at Nissan that much to replace the damned thing. It’s bullshit that I had to do that because of some bored shithead from Medford, but that’s Long Island for you. It’s literally so boring people commit felonies not for food or money, but to occupy five minutes of their time. YEAH, LET’S SMASH THAT DUDE’S NISSAN, BUT JUST THE MIRROR! STICK IT TO THE MAN! Dipshits. If I ever snap and start running around in a Rorschach outfit, you know why.
In other fun news, we’re a little less than three weeks away from Valentine’s Day, that beloved celebration of love, depressed single people, and shameless commercialism. K-Y is getting a jump on everyone else by advertising their “Yours + Mine” line of sexual lubricants, at least on the We network (Editors note: Not my decision, and I immediately followed it up by watching Clint Eastwood scowl at people for two hours – lay off). At the end of the commercial, K-Y reminds me to have a “Happy Valentine’s Day!”. How sweet. Unless, of course, you’re single, in which case get lost because this is NOT FOR YOU. You know what? Bite me, you fascists. You know who is getting my business in the coming weeks? Whoever I’m buying beer from, not you. Take your lube and, uh, shove…it? That sounds wrong. Fuck.
Anyway, back to the theme of this article, which was being more upbeat. I’ll wrap this up with something I like: that Coach McGuirk fellow on Home Movies.
Yes, he’s objectively a huge loser, but he owns everyone else on that show and tells it like it is. Part of the fun of Adult Swim is staying up to see what sort of hilarious zaniness McGuirk is up to, or at least, it was before they started airing that Superjail bullshit every night instead of something watchable. “Life sucks. There’s your lesson, Brendon. Go enjoy it.” Damn straight, McGuirk.
And on that note, I think it’s appropriate to bring this one to an end. Take care, reader(s).
