It’s Always Sunny In Medford #4
Posted by Tino Evangelou on October 16, 2008
Originally posted October 11, 2008
Allow me to say, before I begin, that I have once again given in to my demons. That’s right, I have once again lost the battle with the 8 year old child still residing in my brain:
Hello, self-control? Yes, it’s me again. Yeah, I have failed you. Yeah. Again.
Oh, fuck it, you know what? I apologize for nothing. It’s the two ninja GI Joe characters and a comic book, and now it’s got a place in my room next to a Jose Reyes plaque. So there.
Onto the real point of this writing endeavor: this week I submitted an application to become a substitute teacher at my former high school. Along with the application itself, I was required to hand out three recommendation forms to “associates” (I was fortunate enough to have three people willing to do this) so that they may judge me on a number of criteria deemed important to the position I applied for. In this case, the position was as a substitute teacher. Ignoring for a moment that it’s insane to have a blanket set of questions for full-time teachers, subs, and nurses (!), I thought we’d take a look on just what my school values in its substitutes, the temporary caretakers of America’s future.
Substitute teaching is, I assume, not the easiest job. I was a student once, and subs usually got the shaft as far as class behavior went. However, for about $100 a day, making sure children don’t rip each other’s heads off and following a vague lesson plan isn’t all that bad a gig. For example, one unnamed media teacher at my high school would leave the same videotape on the construction of the Toronto SkyDome whenever he was absent. Seeing as he was absent about once a week, I quickly learned to recite many important facts about the SkyDome (now the Rogers Centre, for those “in the know”). For example, did you know that it was the first retractable roof stadium in North America? Or that three workers died soon after its construction in various accidents? I did, thanks to our sub’s faithful adherence to that lesson plan. If I ever win a trivia contest on something about the Toronto Skydome, I may even send that teacher a thank you card. Actually, I’m just kidding. I won’t.
Of course, the application asks standard questions: have you any teaching experience? What are you educational credentials? Why do you want this job? The last one is a bit complex, since I am in fact a college post-grad in need of a quick fix, but also because if I take a liking to it I may consider teaching someday…who knows? Anyway, enough introspection – onto the recommendation form – the measure of how others view you and your aptitude for this job.
Some of these questions are rather open ended, and their relevance to teaching somewhat tenuous. Those who fill out the form are asked to rate the candidate either “Unsatisfactory”, “Satisfactory”, “Good”, or “Above Average” in that order. “Above Average” is listed above “Good” in what I can only assume to be a clerical error of some sort, unless “Above Average” means “Really Above Average, Like Better Than Good”, but who the hell knows. There’s also “Insufficient Data” – probably not a good sign if a reference puts that down for you. Some of the questions can’t even really be answered on this scale, but we’ll get to that. Now, for the questions:
Teacher is alert to new development?
New development in what? The MLB playoffs? The election? Bowel movements? One question in and it’s already completely vague. And why a single development? That’s very narrow minded, don’t you think?
Keeps neat and accurate records? Enthusiastic and forceful?
These two personality traits are not inexorably tied. Case in point: MC Hammer. Enthusiastic? Hell to the yes. Neat and accurate records? He lost track of how much money he had, so I would have trouble believing that. This may be the most ridiculous analogy I have ever made.
Makes unusually favorable impressions because of Professional (sic) competency?
Yes, unlike this document’s proofreader! Ooooooh snap!
Exceptionally quick to understand, creative, and Resourceful? (sic)
Why just this week, through my own gumption and resourcefulness, I found out that pomegranate juice cocktail and rum blend together pretty well. So, fuck and yes.
Well informed on many vital topics?
I would submit to you that one man’s vital topic is another man’s NASCAR.
Has fair degree of maturity, showing further growth?
One time, in ninth grade, a young substitute realize that I was Greek and then said “Those Greeks can’t keep their hands off of women, huh?” I can only assume someone lied on this question for him. Also, I continue to defy stereotypes about my people.
Enthusiastic in professional matters?
I don’t really have anything to say about this one, either, but I do have another story! In 11th grade, for some totally unknown reason, a substitute teacher taught our class what the abbreviation NAMBLA stood for. I think the SkyDome trivia is way more useful, but I did find it fascinating that pedophiles actually have an organization (no Europeans allowed, though).
Most dependable and reliable.
This is my favorite one, I think. That is not a typo. That is the actual statement/question/mindfuck. If it’s a sentence, it’s a fragment. If it’s a question, it’s both missing a question mark and non-sensical. How do you rate someone in being “most dependable and reliable”? You either are (the) most dependable, or you aren’t. You can’t be “Above Average” in this, right? Am I wrong? I think I just went cross-eyed.
Teacher is aware of home and community background and resources?
Uh, there’s still a library, right?
Sees school as a democratic community which cooperates with system, and community-wide activities?
I hope whoever wrote this form got paid a lot of money. Since when are schools democracies? I never got to vote on when to take lunch, bastards.
The rest of the questions are pretty tame. It’s mostly stuff about how the teacher deals with the community – funny, because I can’t imagine how anyone from another part of Long Island could possibly answer those. Hey, do you know about my neighborhood? There’s a bunch of delis and strip malls! And fire houses! Don’t forget the dive bars! Congratulations, you now know my community. How exciting!
Will I end up in a classroom? There’s a decent chance, at least temporarily, that I will. With any luck, I’ll even do a decent job and take a liking to it.
But please, God, do not make me sit through that fucking Toronto SkyDome video again.
