It’s Always Sunny In Medford #3

“I just think snark is the most prevalent way of talking about things these days on the internet.”

A friend of mine said this very line to me recently. I agree that a lot of internet writing is snarky, and I am as guilty of that as anyone. Is that a commentary on unimaginitive writers or on the fact that the world is generally an easy place to be snarky about? I tend to lean towards the latter, although there are certainly a lot of pretty terrible writers out there (I’m sure somebody thinks I suck, and that’s fine). Every day there’s dozens of things I could go off about. Most people generally suck and so does the world they populate. What better way to deal with all of it than snarky commentary? Even if my writing makes me sound like a bombastic caricature of my actual self, it lets me laugh at everything even if nobody else laughs with me. So sorry friends, I will continue with the snarkiness until further notice.

There are, of course, a few topics I usually don’t touch on in this space. Talking about religion is asking for a massive shitfest to break out, and nobody wants that. Another one is relationships, because aside from the odd self-deprecating joke it makes me want to start smashing my face into my keyboard, and that would lead to a pretty unreadable article. Yet another is politics, because as a liberal elite I don’t often feel motivated enough to climb down from my golden throne or cut short my local Communist Party mixers to enlighten you with political viewpoints or humor, although it’s often tempting. Pretty much everything else is fair game here.

That said…I haven’t written on the Mets yet because I’m not ready to. Of course, I still check for updates every day, mainly to see if Luis Ayala has been launched into the Atlantic Ocean yet. Beyond that I have tried to move on to the Giants and Rangers, who are undefeated as of right now. Take that, Philadelphia! I am rooting for the Rays and whoever is playing the Phillies (thanks for nothing, Milwaukee), because I am very afraid of the black hole of douchiness that would be created in the event of a Boston-Philadelphia World Series. But, I’m still not ready to talk about the Mets.

What do I want to talk about instead? Let’s try new music! I want to say “One Step at a Time” by Jordin Sparks might be the most annoying song I’ve heard in some time. Not the worst, no, that Godawful Kid Rock shit that came out over the summer is pretty much the worst thing ever created by mankind, but this is fairly annoying:

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you’re gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you’re feeling more and more frustrated
And you’re getting all kind of impatient waiting

We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There’s no need to rush
It’s like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It’s gonna happen and it’s
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
On step at a time

A touching and optimistic song? Screw that. I hate sappy upbeat music. If I want to feel better I will listen to Chumbawumba’s “Tubthumping” and jump around like a spaz until I pass out. A man singing about the good times while getting trashed? I can relate to that! Don’t judge me. This song, however, is so sugary and disgusting it almost makes me forget how annoyed I get every time I hear “Straight to Hell” on the radio and it isn’t The Clash but rather M.I.A. Do-do-do, do-do. AGH. Get out of my head, Jordin Sparks! Stop it! I’m going to vomit!

Another depressing thing I realized (I’m very upbeat, apparently) while at Target yesterday was that I am, deep down, still secretly very interested in action figures. “Shit, they brought back the old-style GI Joes? And I can get a two-pack of them featuring Storm Shadow for ten bucks? Sign me the fuck up!” Then I realized that I’m a 22 year old “man” and that buying or collecting action figures at my age is “socially unacceptable”. Have you ever seen “40 Year Old Virgin”? I have an attic full of action figures from my youth rivaling Steve Carrell’s character’s collection. Grand battles between good and evil often took place in my living room with characters from GI Joe, X-Men, and Batman all involved (even Captain Planet!), and man, it didn’t make sense that Cyclops was fighting The Joker, but it was fucking awesome.

So why can’t I indulge myself anymore, aside from the fact that I’m mostly broke and it’s an impractical waste of money? A lot off it is the same reason I can’t wear an X-Men shirt to a bar and expect to be taken seriously, even though it’d make me less of a fraud than every popped-collar asshole there. At some point we expect people to grow up and put up a front, whether it’s for work, or to attract someone, or look the part of being an adult. I’m not saying I want to be Steve Carrell in that movie (no no no no NO), I’m just saying I can’t totally blame him. Unfortunately, you know what happens to the Steve Carrells of the world…

So, I looked at the aisle full of action figures, relived my childhood for a few minutes, and then went to go find the pair of earphones I had gone to buy in the first place so I can listen to my music for hours a day like the responsible adult I am. My awesome, non-lovey-dubbey, non-Jordin Sparks music.

Sting’s “Straight To My Heart”, on the other hand? That shit is real, and I will listen to it any time I want.