We’re back, and Wallace Matthews is kind of bad at his job.

My corner of the internet had been neglected for too long. You will notice I have cross posted 4 facebook notes here for the general public’s viewing pleasure(?), as well as a new one. You’ll notice it’s a series! How interesting!

Things have been quiet lately. I am recovering from a cold (oh no! the humanity!) and moving along through exciting times (a complete lie). I will, of course, obviously be trying to write here more than I have been.

I’m holding to my self-proclaimed indefinite moratorium on writing about the Mets, but I did write a very strongly worded letter to noted baseball writer/hack Wallace Matthews, following the lead of someone on my forum who thought that this article was ridiculous and needed to be spoken for. Baseball is serious business:

The difference between the Mets and the Phillies was quite clear. One bullpen was historically bad, one pitched over its head for an entire season. Your attempt to expand the issue beyond that into one of character or arrogance, while no doubt good material for your annual piece dancing on the Mets’ collective graves, is based pretty much entirely on conjecture. I don’t think I’ve heard too many Mets bemoan their bad luck in the past two weeks; Beltran went as far as to call out the bullpen right after the season ended.

If it was as simple as opening up a stats spreadsheet, though, there might not be anything more to say than that and it’d make it rather difficult to use totally nebulous reasoning to attack a team that, most people realize, had a particularly fatal flaw. And that would be bad for business.

Keep on trucking.

Oh, snap! Take that Wally! Not surprisingly, he did not respond, so I will assume that he was intimidated by my superior level of discourse. Yeah, that’s definitely it.

I would tell you to stay tuned for more updates, but if you’re bored enough to be here in the first place I can only assume you will be bored enough to return regardless.

It’s Always Sunny In Medford #5

There is little we can predict about what the world will be like thousands of years from now. It may be possible that human selfishness and ignorance dooms the planet and the human race to a premature end. It’s also possible the good in us, the proverbial “human spirit” perseveres, and that our distant descendants live in a utopia far removed from anything we could possibly imagine. Or, we could continue to walk a tightrope between annihilation and prosperity. I guess the point is, who can really tell? Don’t bother pointing out that I just rendered this entire paragraph meaningless, I’m well aware.

As for the fate of our country, there are some scholars that insist the decline of the United States as a world power is already happening. I’m not going to take a position on that right now, but suppose for a moment the most pessimistic analysts are indeed correct – that we’re doomed to decline in potency and become an also-ran, if not worse. Also suppose the more optimistic part of my first paragraph comes to pass, that humanity has somehow endured despite America’s decline. Now, let’s say in this world that historians thousands of years from now are looking for a single, definitive, crystal-clear moment to mark as the beginning of the end for the United States of America.

I submit to you that if they ever find evidence of the following, they would need look no further:

Yes, it says what you think it says: New York Times Bestselling Author 50 Cent.

I ran across this book while doing some paperwork at my local library the other day. After taking a look and being somewhat amused that there’s a line of G-Unit books in the first place, I realized that the front cover boasted of 50’s commercial literary success. Holy. Shit.

The implications are twofold. Besides making it clear that a lot of people clearly decided that 50 Cent’s books were a good buy (Congratulations world, you’ve beaten the optimism out of me once more!) , this officially has to make New York Times Bestselling Author one of the most meaningless titles in existence. After all, 50 Cent adds a prestigious list of literary giants that includes James Patterson and Mick Foley.

I briefly – very, very briefly – considered checking the book out to (hilariously!) review it but decided I probably couldn’t do it justice. At least, not until The Game starts writing books in retaliation and himself becomes a New York Times Bestselling Author, in which case I might start a “Mediocre Rapper Book Club” where we don’t actually discuss any books but rather drink. A lot. Wouldn’t that be something?

On second thought, don’t answer that.

It’s Always Sunny In Medford #4

Originally posted October 11, 2008

Allow me to say, before I begin, that I have once again given in to my demons. That’s right, I have once again lost the battle with the 8 year old child still residing in my brain:

Hello, self-control? Yes, it’s me again. Yeah, I have failed you. Yeah. Again.

Oh, fuck it, you know what? I apologize for nothing. It’s the two ninja GI Joe characters and a comic book, and now it’s got a place in my room next to a Jose Reyes plaque. So there.

Onto the real point of this writing endeavor: this week I submitted an application to become a substitute teacher at my former high school. Along with the application itself, I was required to hand out three recommendation forms to “associates” (I was fortunate enough to have three people willing to do this) so that they may judge me on a number of criteria deemed important to the position I applied for. In this case, the position was as a substitute teacher. Ignoring for a moment that it’s insane to have a blanket set of questions for full-time teachers, subs, and nurses (!), I thought we’d take a look on just what my school values in its substitutes, the temporary caretakers of America’s future.

Substitute teaching is, I assume, not the easiest job. I was a student once, and subs usually got the shaft as far as class behavior went. However, for about $100 a day, making sure children don’t rip each other’s heads off and following a vague lesson plan isn’t all that bad a gig. For example, one unnamed media teacher at my high school would leave the same videotape on the construction of the Toronto SkyDome whenever he was absent. Seeing as he was absent about once a week, I quickly learned to recite many important facts about the SkyDome (now the Rogers Centre, for those “in the know”). For example, did you know that it was the first retractable roof stadium in North America? Or that three workers died soon after its construction in various accidents? I did, thanks to our sub’s faithful adherence to that lesson plan. If I ever win a trivia contest on something about the Toronto Skydome, I may even send that teacher a thank you card. Actually, I’m just kidding. I won’t.

Of course, the application asks standard questions: have you any teaching experience? What are you educational credentials? Why do you want this job? The last one is a bit complex, since I am in fact a college post-grad in need of a quick fix, but also because if I take a liking to it I may consider teaching someday…who knows? Anyway, enough introspection – onto the recommendation form – the measure of how others view you and your aptitude for this job.

Some of these questions are rather open ended, and their relevance to teaching somewhat tenuous. Those who fill out the form are asked to rate the candidate either “Unsatisfactory”, “Satisfactory”, “Good”, or “Above Average” in that order. “Above Average” is listed above “Good” in what I can only assume to be a clerical error of some sort, unless “Above Average” means “Really Above Average, Like Better Than Good”, but who the hell knows. There’s also “Insufficient Data” – probably not a good sign if a reference puts that down for you. Some of the questions can’t even really be answered on this scale, but we’ll get to that. Now, for the questions:

Teacher is alert to new development?

New development in what? The MLB playoffs? The election? Bowel movements? One question in and it’s already completely vague. And why a single development? That’s very narrow minded, don’t you think?

Keeps neat and accurate records? Enthusiastic and forceful?

These two personality traits are not inexorably tied. Case in point: MC Hammer. Enthusiastic? Hell to the yes. Neat and accurate records? He lost track of how much money he had, so I would have trouble believing that. This may be the most ridiculous analogy I have ever made.

Makes unusually favorable impressions because of Professional (sic) competency?

Yes, unlike this document’s proofreader! Ooooooh snap!

Exceptionally quick to understand, creative, and Resourceful? (sic)

Why just this week, through my own gumption and resourcefulness, I found out that pomegranate juice cocktail and rum blend together pretty well. So, fuck and yes.

Well informed on many vital topics?

I would submit to you that one man’s vital topic is another man’s NASCAR.

Has fair degree of maturity, showing further growth?

One time, in ninth grade, a young substitute realize that I was Greek and then said “Those Greeks can’t keep their hands off of women, huh?” I can only assume someone lied on this question for him. Also, I continue to defy stereotypes about my people.

Enthusiastic in professional matters?

I don’t really have anything to say about this one, either, but I do have another story! In 11th grade, for some totally unknown reason, a substitute teacher taught our class what the abbreviation NAMBLA stood for. I think the SkyDome trivia is way more useful, but I did find it fascinating that pedophiles actually have an organization (no Europeans allowed, though).

Most dependable and reliable.

This is my favorite one, I think. That is not a typo. That is the actual statement/question/mindfuck. If it’s a sentence, it’s a fragment. If it’s a question, it’s both missing a question mark and non-sensical. How do you rate someone in being “most dependable and reliable”? You either are (the) most dependable, or you aren’t. You can’t be “Above Average” in this, right? Am I wrong? I think I just went cross-eyed.

Teacher is aware of home and community background and resources?

Uh, there’s still a library, right?

Sees school as a democratic community which cooperates with system, and community-wide activities?

I hope whoever wrote this form got paid a lot of money. Since when are schools democracies? I never got to vote on when to take lunch, bastards.

The rest of the questions are pretty tame. It’s mostly stuff about how the teacher deals with the community – funny, because I can’t imagine how anyone from another part of Long Island could possibly answer those. Hey, do you know about my neighborhood? There’s a bunch of delis and strip malls! And fire houses! Don’t forget the dive bars! Congratulations, you now know my community. How exciting!

Will I end up in a classroom? There’s a decent chance, at least temporarily, that I will. With any luck, I’ll even do a decent job and take a liking to it.

But please, God, do not make me sit through that fucking Toronto SkyDome video again.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: application, bad grammar, child, gi joe, job, medford, rant, substitute teaching, toronto skydome | Leave a Comment »

It’s Always Sunny In Medford #3

Posted by Tino Evangelou on October 16, 2008

“I just think snark is the most prevalent way of talking about things these days on the internet.”

A friend of mine said this very line to me recently. I agree that a lot of internet writing is snarky, and I am as guilty of that as anyone. Is that a commentary on unimaginitive writers or on the fact that the world is generally an easy place to be snarky about? I tend to lean towards the latter, although there are certainly a lot of pretty terrible writers out there (I’m sure somebody thinks I suck, and that’s fine). Every day there’s dozens of things I could go off about. Most people generally suck and so does the world they populate. What better way to deal with all of it than snarky commentary? Even if my writing makes me sound like a bombastic caricature of my actual self, it lets me laugh at everything even if nobody else laughs with me. So sorry friends, I will continue with the snarkiness until further notice.

There are, of course, a few topics I usually don’t touch on in this space. Talking about religion is asking for a massive shitfest to break out, and nobody wants that. Another one is relationships, because aside from the odd self-deprecating joke it makes me want to start smashing my face into my keyboard, and that would lead to a pretty unreadable article. Yet another is politics, because as a liberal elite I don’t often feel motivated enough to climb down from my golden throne or cut short my local Communist Party mixers to enlighten you with political viewpoints or humor, although it’s often tempting. Pretty much everything else is fair game here.

That said…I haven’t written on the Mets yet because I’m not ready to. Of course, I still check for updates every day, mainly to see if Luis Ayala has been launched into the Atlantic Ocean yet. Beyond that I have tried to move on to the Giants and Rangers, who are undefeated as of right now. Take that, Philadelphia! I am rooting for the Rays and whoever is playing the Phillies (thanks for nothing, Milwaukee), because I am very afraid of the black hole of douchiness that would be created in the event of a Boston-Philadelphia World Series. But, I’m still not ready to talk about the Mets.

What do I want to talk about instead? Let’s try new music! I want to say “One Step at a Time” by Jordin Sparks might be the most annoying song I’ve heard in some time. Not the worst, no, that Godawful Kid Rock shit that came out over the summer is pretty much the worst thing ever created by mankind, but this is fairly annoying:

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you’re gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you’re feeling more and more frustrated
And you’re getting all kind of impatient waiting

We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There’s no need to rush
It’s like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It’s gonna happen and it’s
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
On step at a time

A touching and optimistic song? Screw that. I hate sappy upbeat music. If I want to feel better I will listen to Chumbawumba’s “Tubthumping” and jump around like a spaz until I pass out. A man singing about the good times while getting trashed? I can relate to that! Don’t judge me. This song, however, is so sugary and disgusting it almost makes me forget how annoyed I get every time I hear “Straight to Hell” on the radio and it isn’t The Clash but rather M.I.A. Do-do-do, do-do. AGH. Get out of my head, Jordin Sparks! Stop it! I’m going to vomit!

Another depressing thing I realized (I’m very upbeat, apparently) while at Target yesterday was that I am, deep down, still secretly very interested in action figures. “Shit, they brought back the old-style GI Joes? And I can get a two-pack of them featuring Storm Shadow for ten bucks? Sign me the fuck up!” Then I realized that I’m a 22 year old “man” and that buying or collecting action figures at my age is “socially unacceptable”. Have you ever seen “40 Year Old Virgin”? I have an attic full of action figures from my youth rivaling Steve Carrell’s character’s collection. Grand battles between good and evil often took place in my living room with characters from GI Joe, X-Men, and Batman all involved (even Captain Planet!), and man, it didn’t make sense that Cyclops was fighting The Joker, but it was fucking awesome.

So why can’t I indulge myself anymore, aside from the fact that I’m mostly broke and it’s an impractical waste of money? A lot off it is the same reason I can’t wear an X-Men shirt to a bar and expect to be taken seriously, even though it’d make me less of a fraud than every popped-collar asshole there. At some point we expect people to grow up and put up a front, whether it’s for work, or to attract someone, or look the part of being an adult. I’m not saying I want to be Steve Carrell in that movie (no no no no NO), I’m just saying I can’t totally blame him. Unfortunately, you know what happens to the Steve Carrells of the world…

So, I looked at the aisle full of action figures, relived my childhood for a few minutes, and then went to go find the pair of earphones I had gone to buy in the first place so I can listen to my music for hours a day like the responsible adult I am. My awesome, non-lovey-dubbey, non-Jordin Sparks music.

Sting’s “Straight To My Heart”, on the other hand? That shit is real, and I will listen to it any time I want.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: action figures, gi joe, jordin sparks, medford, rant, snark, terrible songs, writing | Leave a Comment »