I haven’t been playing (insert game here) forever, but I do know the rules.
Posted by Tino Evangelou on July 18, 2008
I’m going to preface this post by saying that what I’m about to write will probably make me sound like a tremendous jackass. To that I say: nuts to you. I also could not care less if any of the characters involved read this. If you take any of this too seriously in the first place you deserve ridicule, and that’s that.
Ahem, anyway, onto my story.
Yesterday, during an intramural co-ed softball game that I was playing in, I got myself into an argument over whether or not a girl on the opposing team was bunting. Holding both hands out parallel to the plate and then letting go with one hand when she made contact, it was to prety much anyone that’s ever seen a baseball game in their lives a pretty good drag bunt, and the ball traveled no further than ten feet either time she hit it. After the second time she reached base, I decided to complain about it to the umpires, at which time a player on the other team took issue with me.
Before I get to that, I wanted to share a couple of things. In the interest of full disclosure, I want to tell you that during the championship game for our intramural league in 2006, a player on our team was called out for bunting in the final inning. Long story short, this was complete horseshit, as he was trying to swing at a pitch a foot outside to avoid being pitched out (our league has a three pitch rule). So to review based on what we’ve learned from intramurals: trying to swing at a bad pitch is a bunt, but holding the bat parallel to the plate and not swinging is not a bunt. Um, okay. Any residual bitterness I have over that was washed away the following season when we tore our entire league a new one, but since then I’ve decided that I’ll be damned if I’m going to play nice with rules interpretations. Vindictive? You bet your ass I am.
It should also be pointed out that it’s very unlikely the girl had any idea what she was doing, and that it wouldn’t have mattered as we lost the game 247-2 or something like that. I don’t care, that isn’t my point and no, I’m not bitter about losing the game (although I don’t like it). Don’t worry, I’ll get to my real point soon enough.
My problem wasn’t even with the umpire. Yeah, he spent the entire game text messaging and probably had no idea what I was talking about or what sport he was officiating, but a certain level of incompetence is to be expected, as my previous bunting example makes pretty clear. Rather, my problem was with a player on their team that decided to rush to his teammate’s defense. It wasn’t that he did decide to get involved, it’s what he said when he got involved that got my proverbial goat (what does that even mean?). The conversation went something like this:
(While I’m discussing the issue with the umpire.)
Guy (cutting in): “Hey, she’s swinging!”
Me: “No, she’s not. She’s holding the bat out. That’s a bunt.”
Guy: “Yeah, well, give her a break.”
Me: “We could bunt all game too, if we wanted.”
Guy: “Calm down, not all of us have been playing baseball all our lives.”
Me: “Yeah, well, I just want to play by the rules. That’s all.”
Notice that the dude didn’t even bother arguing the fact that it wasn’t a bunt after his initial indignation at my protest. Point: me. The best line was this, however:
“Calm down, not all of us have been playing baseball all our lives.”
First off, thanks for the compliment. I have not been playing “baseball” (we were playing softball, but whatever) all my life. Rather, I started playing competitively this decade, but I am aware of the fact that the grace and style I play the game with is enviable. That is a given and your admiration is noted.
Secondly, I’m not going to calm down. I don’t care if I piss anyone off. Your problem, not mine.
Thirdly, you’re a jackass. I was talking to the umpire, not you. Thanks for your input, though.
My real problem is with the idea that I shouldn’t have cared about rules being broken because not everyone’s played baseball all their lives. Why does it matter how long you’ve been playing a game, or how good you are at it? Rules are rules. Nobody took it easy on me when I started playing and I was an uncoordinated, awkward goober (note: I still am). Major league umpires didn’t give John Rocker a six foot wide strike zone because he was a massive, steroid-filled redneck fucktard. Shitty golfers don’t get do-overs when they play Tiger Woods. You play a certain game in a certain league by the rules that are set forth, and that’s it. Or so I thought, unless I signed up for the “Feel-Good Bullshit Softball League” (FGBSL), which I’m pretty sure I didn’t. If I’m not allowed to bunt then damn it, a small Asian girl on the opposing team shouldn’t be allowed to, either.
I’m competitive. I want to win. If I’m playing you at something and you don’t really know how to play, odds are that I want to lose to you even less. That is, unless we’re on a date, in which case I’ll win by a slightly less massive margin so later on when I bowl a 280 or do a 360 dunk when I’m playing HORSE it impresses the shit out of you even more (note: I cannot do either of these things). Again, in the interest of full disclosure, I want to say that I don’t get many dates anyway so screw you.
I don’t care how long you’ve been playing or what you know. If I’m going to play Scrabble with you, I’m not going to take it easy on you if you can’t spell. If you have a problem with that, go play fucking Battleship. I suck at Battleship, but at least I won’t bitch about it the entire time and ask that the rules be disregarded on my behalf. By the way, I’m a man and I play real Scrabble, not that phony Facebook Scrabulous bullshit they have now. To hell with that nonsense.
When I go to trivia night at Hooters and they ask some crap question about Motley Crue or some other shitty band nobody cares about I don’t complain and insist they ask me a question about the 1999 Mets because not all of us have been listening to Motley Crue all our lives. I deal, and then I fucking win anyway. Free wings for me, tears of defeat for you.
I was going to bring up Cranium as another example, but fuck it. I don’t lose at Cranium when I play with my boy Luke so that’s a moot point. Bow before our glory.
So please, if you decide to play a game, any kind of game, know the rules and don’t throw a hissy fit when somebody wants to abide by them. It’ll make things more fun and fair, even if you lose. And if arguing with the umpires because I want to play by the rules makes me an asshole, then by golly, I guess that I’m an asshole.
That said, I hope you’re enjoying your shallow 15 run victory, cheaters. At least I played by the rules.
Jesse said
I hate how there are people in this world who when you play a game with them they could care less the outcome nor the manner of reaching the outcome. “It’s just a game.” Yeah, and I know, but it won’t be a game anymore if you don’t play the right way.
I was playing some 5-on-5 basketball last night with some friends, and I swear there were 2 or 3 guys on the court that never once broke a sweat during the game. Playing by the rules and actually playing (i.e., putting forth effort) are one and the same for me when it comes to playing games.
Long live competition!
Mike said
For me, this depends on the type of league. Since there were women on the team, I’m assuming it’s recreational.
Rec leagues are different from competitive leagues. In a competitive league, you want to win. In a rec league, you want to have fun. Let’s look at it from the other team’s point of view: you’re winning by 15 runs, so you’re definitely going to win the game and go out for pizza and beer afterward. In fact, the other team is also going to go out for pizza and beer afterward, because this is supposed to be a fun, social event. So as I said, you’re winning, and then Rick’s girlfriend, who doesn’t really love softball and is just playing because Rick begged her to, and who would really rather be going to the beach today, is up at bat. She has played softball like, five times in her life. So she’s pretty shitty, and accidentally breaks a minor rule. The umpire doesn’t care, because, hey, they’re winning by 15 runs, it’s a judgment call, and she’s going to ground out anyway even if she does miraculously make contact. So the game is going to be over in like 10 minutes, but then MR. BASEBALL over on the other team decides that Rick’s girlfriend’s inability to swing a bat is A MAJOR EMERGENCY and is going to FUNDAMENTALLY ALTER THE FAIRNESS OF AMERICA’S PASTIME. So he comes over and bitches at the umpire, who is like, “who gives a shit, you’re losing by fifteen runs” and then Rick comes over and is like “give the girl a break, she clearly sucks and doesn’t need to feel any worse” and then MR. BASEBALL doesn’t give it up and says “LISTEN, THIS GIRL IS CHEATING AND WE COULD CHEAT TOO” which makes the girl feel great, so Rick says “uh, the very fact that there are women on the team should tell you that we’re not the Red Sox and you’re not the Yankees, so chill out” at which point MR. BASEBALL says “RULES RULES RULES RULES” and then the girl starts to cry, no one has any fun, and Rick doesn’t get any action tonight because his girlfriend is all upset.
So what I’m saying is that I see where they’re coming from. In a close game, or in a competitive league, it’s different, but I’m pretty sure this league is in fact the “Feel-Good Bullshit Softball League (FGBSL)” if they let asian girls on the team.
This brings me to an unrelated point, which is, the Paul Principle of Intramural Sports (named after my college roommate, an expert on the subject of intramural sports) in which victory is assured as long as you hit it [the ball, puck, etc] to the Asian Girl. Every co-ed team has an Asian Girl (who need not actually be Asian). You recognize her because when she gets up to bat, she stands on the plate, or in volleyball she screams and cowers whenever the ball comes anywhere near her. So instead of getting worked up about that, you should have just hit it to her every time.
Tino Evangelou said
I disagree. Also it was a close game at the time. Also: humor.
Tino Evangelou said
Also, this is the only summer season at the school, so I’m not sure if by definition this makes it competitive or not.
One thing I should mention is that this team was particularly dickish with running after plays were over, sliding into girls on our team full speed, etc. more so than any other team in the division. They only saw it fit to bring up the “serious game” angle when it was brought up against them, which, in all seriousness, is bullshit. I forgot to mention this part. I think she was DH, but I don’t remember.
But yeah.