Shotgun blasts are not covered by warranty.

I’m a couple of days late on commenting on this story, but in case you missed it, here’s a heartwarming tale about a man, his mower, and a sawed-off shotgun. The story is purely American, the reporting is all British. Take it away BBC!

US man charged for shooting mower

Keep in mind people around the world see this headline and immediately associate the following words: “US”, “shooting”, “lawnmower”. There’s something to be said for the subconscious implications of news headlines, but if I lived in Botswana and knew nothing of America before reading this story I’d have some pretty funny ideas about the people that live

oh fuck me, we’re doomed.

A 56-year-old man from the Midwestern US state of Wisconsin has been arrested after shooting his lawn mower in his garden because it would not start.

Well, yeah. Things to do when your lawnmower will not start:

1) Make sure it is fueled and maintained properly.

2) Take it in for repair.

3) Shoot it.

Keith Walendowski was charged by police in Milwaukee with disorderly conduct and possession of a sawn-off shotgun.

At the very least, I think, the man should be commended for his preparation for the inevitable zombie invasion. Video games and movies have taught me that sawn-off shotguns are totally primo zombie-killers.

He could face a fine of up to $11,000 and a maximum prison sentence of six-and-a-half years if convicted.

Making this the most expensive do-it-yourself lawnmower repair ever!

Police officers said Mr Walendowski had told them: “It’s my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want.”

What do you think the odds are that this dude would vote for Ron Paul? One billion percent? Everybody knows that the Constitution doesn’t say shit about me shooting up lawnmowers in my front yard!

I also love his alibi. I plan on using a similar one in the event I ever do what I want to do and get caught dancing naked in my front yard while the ultimate song, Boston’s “More Than A Feeling”, blares from my stereo on repeat. “Fuck off, it’s my stereo, my yard, and my body. I can dance if I want!” (Note for the dense: I don’t actually want to do this.)

Police found the shotgun, a handgun and a stungun, as well as ammunition, when they detained Mr Walendowski in the basement of his house.

I’m not a big gun person or anything but doesn’t the stungun seem somewhat superfluous in that collection? It’s as if the State Department came out and reported that not only does Axisofeviland have long-range ICBM’s, but they also have a bunch of catapults loaded with diseased horse carcasses at the ready.

Also, he lives in his mom’s basement. He must be a fellow blogger LOL AM I RIGHT?!?!?!

Witnesses told police that he appeared to have been drinking.

Quite possibly the least surprising sentence in any news story ever written.

The lawn mower was found sitting outside Mr Walendowski’s house, which he shares with his mother, with the rubbish on Friday.

It’s more than a feeeeeeliiiiiiing!

If you’re asking yourself what I am - “But can they fix the fucking mower?”  - then the article concludes on a high note for you!

A local retailer said that Mr Walendowski might now have difficulty getting his lawn mower repaired.

“Anything not factory recommended would void the warranty,” said Dick Wagner, of Wagner’s Garden Mart in Milwaukee.

Hand it to Dick Wagner to be the voice of reason in all of this with his sharp, deadpan sense of humor. I can only assume he was waiting to make a pithy statement about a shotgun blast voiding a lawnmower warranty for years. Or, possibly, that he’s used to it. He’s more like the Wisconsians I like to think of, not like Mr. Walendowski or the people who organize big protests on behalf of Brett Favre (seriously).

Godspeed, Wisconsin. May all your lawnmowers be functional and bullet-free.

I haven’t been playing (insert game here) forever, but I do know the rules.

I’m going to preface this post by saying that what I’m about to write will probably make me sound like a tremendous jackass. To that I say: nuts to you. I also could not care less if any of the characters involved read this. If you take any of this too seriously in the first place you deserve ridicule, and that’s that.

Ahem, anyway, onto my story.

Yesterday, during an intramural co-ed softball game that I was playing in, I got myself into an argument over whether or not a girl on the opposing team was bunting. Holding both hands out parallel to the plate and then letting go with one hand when she made contact, it was to prety much anyone that’s ever seen a baseball game in their lives a pretty good drag bunt, and the ball traveled no further than ten feet either time she hit it. After the second time she reached base, I decided to complain about it to the umpires, at which time a player on the other team took issue with me.

Before I get to that, I wanted to share a couple of things. In the interest of full disclosure, I want to tell you that during the championship game for our intramural league in 2006, a player on our team was called out for bunting in the final inning. Long story short, this was complete horseshit, as he was trying to swing at a pitch a foot outside to avoid being pitched out (our league has a three pitch rule). So to review based on what we’ve learned from intramurals: trying to swing at a bad pitch is a bunt, but holding the bat parallel to the plate and not swinging is not a bunt. Um, okay. Any residual bitterness I have over that was washed away the following season when we tore our entire league a new one, but since then I’ve decided that I’ll be damned if I’m going to play nice with rules interpretations. Vindictive? You bet your ass I am.

It should also be pointed out that it’s very unlikely the girl had any idea what she was doing, and that it wouldn’t have mattered as we lost the game 247-2 or something like that. I don’t care, that isn’t my point and no, I’m not bitter about losing the game (although I don’t like it). Don’t worry, I’ll get to my real point soon enough.

My problem wasn’t even with the umpire. Yeah, he spent the entire game text messaging and probably had no idea what I was talking about or what sport he was officiating, but a certain level of incompetence is to be expected, as my previous bunting example makes pretty clear. Rather, my problem was with a player on their team that decided to rush to his teammate’s defense. It wasn’t that he did decide to get involved, it’s what he said when he got involved that got my proverbial goat (what does that even mean?). The conversation went something like this:

(While I’m discussing the issue with the umpire.)

Guy (cutting in): “Hey, she’s swinging!”

Me: “No, she’s not. She’s holding the bat out. That’s a bunt.”

Guy: “Yeah, well, give her a break.”

Me: “We could bunt all game too, if we wanted.”

Guy: “Calm down, not all of us have been playing baseball all our lives.”

Me: “Yeah, well, I just want to play by the rules. That’s all.”

Notice that the dude didn’t even bother arguing the fact that it wasn’t a bunt after his initial indignation at my protest. Point: me. The best line was this, however:

“Calm down, not all of us have been playing baseball all our lives.”

First off, thanks for the compliment. I have not been playing “baseball” (we were playing softball, but whatever) all my life. Rather,  I started playing competitively this decade, but I am aware of the fact that the grace and style I play the game with is enviable. That is a given and your admiration is noted.

Secondly, I’m not going to calm down. I don’t care if I piss anyone off. Your problem, not mine.

Thirdly, you’re a jackass. I was talking to the umpire, not you. Thanks for your input, though.

My real problem is with the idea that I shouldn’t have cared about rules being broken because not everyone’s played baseball all their lives. Why does it matter how long you’ve been playing a game, or how good you are at it? Rules are rules. Nobody took it easy on me when I started playing and I was an uncoordinated, awkward goober (note: I still am). Major league umpires didn’t give John Rocker a six foot wide strike zone because he was a massive, steroid-filled redneck fucktard. Shitty golfers don’t get do-overs when they play Tiger Woods. You play a certain game in a certain league by the rules that are set forth, and that’s it. Or so I thought, unless I signed up for the “Feel-Good Bullshit Softball League” (FGBSL), which I’m pretty sure I didn’t. If I’m not allowed to bunt then damn it, a small Asian girl on the opposing team shouldn’t be allowed to, either.

I’m competitive. I want to win. If I’m playing you at something and you don’t really know how to play, odds are that I want to lose to you even less. That is, unless we’re on a date, in which case I’ll win by a slightly less massive margin so later on when I bowl a 280 or do a 360 dunk when I’m playing HORSE it impresses the shit out of you even more (note: I cannot do either of these things). Again, in the interest of full disclosure, I want to say that I don’t get many dates anyway so screw you.

I don’t care how long you’ve been playing or what you know. If I’m going to play Scrabble with you, I’m not going to take it easy on you if you can’t spell. If you have a problem with that, go play fucking Battleship. I suck at Battleship, but at least I won’t bitch about it the entire time and ask that the rules be disregarded on my behalf. By the way, I’m a man and I play real Scrabble, not that phony Facebook Scrabulous bullshit they have now. To hell with that nonsense.

When I go to trivia night at Hooters and they ask some crap question about Motley Crue or some other shitty band nobody cares about I don’t complain and insist they ask me a question about the 1999 Mets because not all of us have been listening to Motley Crue all our lives. I deal, and then I fucking win anyway. Free wings for me, tears of defeat for you.

I was going to bring up Cranium as another example, but fuck it. I don’t lose at Cranium when I play with my boy Luke so that’s a moot point. Bow before our glory.

So please, if you decide to play a game, any kind of game, know the rules and don’t throw a hissy fit when somebody wants to abide by them. It’ll make things more fun and fair, even if you lose. And if arguing with the umpires because I want to play by the rules makes me an asshole, then by golly, I guess that I’m an asshole.

That said, I hope you’re enjoying your shallow 15 run victory, cheaters. At least I played by the rules.

The MLB All-Star Fanfest

I’m posting this about four days later than I wanted to, but whatever. Thank God I didn’t go with my original idea of live-blogging the All-Star Game. I lost a good night’s sleep because of it. Thanks, Billy Wagner!

Last Friday I was presented an opportunity by a friend to attent the MLB All-Star Fanfest at the Jacob Javits Center in New York free of charge. Being as I’m a lunatic baseball fan I jumped on the opportunity and headed out Saturday morning to take part in the festivities. I was not disappointed.

The Fanfest included numberous exhibits, games, and promotional what-have-yous. Enough, in fact, that we didn’t get to try everything there (it closed before we got to try the baserunning game, sadly). There were, of course, a few things you could do absolutely anywhere but seemed so cool to do there, like for example hit foam balls in a batting cage from 30 feet away. Unfortunately for me, the batting cage was about five feet wide. Hence, on the first swing I slammed my bat loudly on the metal pole behind me, eliciting a round of applause from one particularly amused fan. Clapping guy, if you’re reading this: kiss my ass.

The next baseball game we tried went a little bit better, as I pounded the zone with blazing 65 mile per hour fastballs at the Speedpitch booth, barely beating out the fastest woman who threw 62 MPH. Emasculating, to say the least, but let it be said that slow-pitch softball first basemen can throw slightly better than girls.

One feature of the event that I touched on earlier was the omnipresence of baseball’s corporate sponsors. A cute blond XM radio saleswoman tried to pitch the devices to us. My pal went on a short diatribe about how he didn’t understand the point of XM Radio and the salesperson, rather than struggling to get us to accept the wonder of satellite radio…agreed and admitted she hadn’t had luck selling a single one all day. Surprising. I commented that she was a salesperson and it was amusing to me that she’d do that.  She agreed and in retrospect I’m pretty sure she was into me – after all, I was dressed to kill, in a mustard-stained David Wright jersey with a week’s worth of stubble on my face (more on that later). Sexy. At their booth I also got my massive head superimposed onto a picture of National League bobblehead doll, meaning that I looked only slightly unrealistic.

My two favorite sponsors were Gilette – which gave me a collection of toiletries before somebody actually gave me a shave using their products – and Taco Bell, which gave away free tacos every couple of hours. FREE TACOS! If I went to a cardboard box convention and was promised a shave and a bunch of free tacos, I’m pretty sure I would leave satisfied; the fact that this was a baseball celebration only made it that much more awesome.

I want to also mention that I always enjoy Gilette’s commercials because every time they come on I picture a couple of million confused Americans saying “Who the fuck is Thierry Henry?” at their televisions, as he stars as “that other dude in the commercials with Tiger Woods and Roger Federer”.

(Note to Taco Bell and Gilette: you can compensate me for the free plug by supplying me with more free tacos and shaving accessories. Or just tacos. Lots of tacos.)

In between all the festivities we found time to spend a solid hour playing MLB PowerPros 2008. Don’t bother to point out the lunacy of going to such an event to effectively do something I could do in my living room, I’m aware of it. I just want to say that PowerPros is better than MLB 2k8 and that’s all I have to say about that.

The real treat there for the true baseball fans was the historical artifacts brought down from Cooperstown. One exhibit included jerseys and gloves from various Hall of Famers as well as a number of old World Series programs. For some reason, the Tom Seaver jersey there was the Reds edition, making me wonder if it wasn’t a small tweak towards the Mets fans in attendance (after all, it was the Yankees Fan Fest first and foremost). Another exhibit included a fairly substantial display of Negro League gear, a reminder of how even more screwed up everything used to be. The question of an integrated Major Leagues with Josh Gibson and Satchel Paige playing in their primes stands as the greatest “what if” in baseball history, unfortunately. There was even a collection of jerseys from the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League, the inspiration for the movie A League of Their Own. A few former players were also in attendance, but we missed out on them.

Another one of my favorite exhibits featured the various 2008 awards. I took a picture with the World Series Trophy, hopefully not the last time somebody in a Mets jersey is posing with it this year. While I was doing this WFAN’s Joe Beningo was perhaps 100 feet away, signing autographs during his radio show’s commercial breaks. Regrettably, I missed out on Beningo’s autograph. I spent many a late night listening to his manic rants on the Mets, Jets, Knicks, and Rangers, and I can’t help but feel like part of me takes sports too seriously because I grew up listening to him. I digress.

Remarkably, I resisted spending a ton of money on random baseball memorabilia at the various tables dealers had set up at another part of the Javits Center – the fact that I’m broke may have had something to do with that. I was relieved to know that a couple of baseball cards I own are worth something. Most of them, unfortunately, aren’t.

The best part of the entire day was the atmosphere at the event. Despite the sponsorships (and there were a ton) and the obvious corporate peddling, most people were there because they genuinely loved baseball. It was a celebration. There was a two hour long line to get autographs from Rollie Fingers and Gaylord Perry – I’m not sure if half the people on the line could tell you anything about Rollie Fingers or Gaylord Perry, but fuck it, they were baseball greats and they were going to wait in line to meet them for 30 seconds. Or, alternately, sell their autographs on eBay (a possibility I don’t want to entertain). For the record, I didn’t wait on line, but I was pretty impressed at everyone who did.

As we left high comedy ensued when kids basically ambushed the Vitamin Water dude, who was giving away free samples. The poor dude just looked beleaguered as kids swarmed him for mini-bottles of Vitamin Water. What kind of monster have you created, David Wright?

With the All-Star Game expected to be awarded to the New York Mets in CitiField in 2013, it’ll only be five years before I get to attend another FanFest. Rest assured, I’ll be there, and I hope I can make another new friend like the one I made this year:

Yup. We’re all baseball fans.

This settles it.

After a spirited debate on Derek Jeter, with one side using “reason”, “statistics”, and “facts” and the other side using “things John Sterling thinks sound good on the radio” and “hot girls that Derek Jeter gets with”, I’m sure most of you have decided whose side you’re on. However, if that didn’t convince you, I have enlisted the powers of internet phenomenon Advice Dog and his all-knowing ways to end the debate once and for all (meaning, I found out about it on the internets today and wanted an excuse to use it). What say you, Advice Dog?

There you have it, definitive proof once and for all. Advice Dog likes VORP…and pancakes. So should you!

I’m now going to sit back and bask in self-satisfaction until someone posts a comment to the tune of “OMGZ ADVICE DOG IS SO OLD LOL BAD PHOTOSHOPPING” or some shit like that. I can’t wait!

Stay tuned for Part Two and Part Three of my ongoing crusade against the Yankee Universe, “Why Scarlett Johansson should date me instead of Derek Jeter!” and “Would Advice Dog make a better baseball analyst than Suzyn Waldman?” (spoiler: the answer is yes). I promise they will change the way you look at baseball writing…forever.

Well, this makes me look dumb.

After I went out of my way to add a statement to my previous post stating that I didn’t think Frank’s article should be an indictment on what I think of Hot Stove New York as a site, an article came out with the following title:

Is AROD Batting For Both Teams????

In case you were wondering: he’s implying Alex Rodriguez is bisexual.

There’s writing that seeks to enlighten, there’s writing that seeks to entertain. This, unfortunately, is an example of everything that Buzz Bissinger went on Costas Now and railed against, of every bad stereotype of blogging and internet writing in general: an unfunny, uninteresting, juvenile rant on A-Rod’s possible sexual proclivities. My favorite line?

By no means is any of this remotely fact, but you can’t eliminate the possibility that it’s possible, and perhaps even likely.

Just, wow.

Update: Commenter Nick tells us that the article was, indeed, removed today. Bad move posting it, better move taking it down.

Derek Jeter: possibly overrated.

The whole debate/article this refers to is a few weeks old now, but gosh darn it, I couldn’t resist throwing my hat in the ring and attempting to emulate Fire Joe Morgan once an old friend of ours made his case. Perhaps I was inspired by FJM’s recent jump into the “overrated” debate. Don’t bother counting how many times I link to them here, I’m aware it’s excessive. Take it away, Frank!

Derek jeter Overrated? NO WAY!

I should end this post right now. You have convinced me through skillful use of caps lock and exclamation points alone. Also, why is “overrated” capitalized but not “Jeter”?

Sometimes there are times where there are things I feel I need to address. Today, I feel the need to take something to task.

Frank is mad and he’s not going to take it anymore! Look out! What could have possibly drawn the wrath of such a levelheaded and objective baseball analyst?

Here is what I’m referring to:

Via NY Daily News:.

In a Sports Illustrated survey of 495 Major League Baseball players in its June 23 issue, Derek Jeter was voted the most overrated with 10% of the vote. Struggling Giants lefthander Barry Zito was second at 9%, while Alex Rodriguez and Red Sox outfielder J.D. Drew were tied for third with 7%. Mets third baseman David Wright and Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis tied for fourth at 4%.

If the basic premise of this article was “this is a stupid and meaningless poll” and was left at that, I’d tend to agree. Jeter, as we’re about to find out, may still be overrated by some people but has had a fantastic career. But Barry Zito? Can you be overrated if nobody thinks you’re good anymore? Alex Rodriguez is listed here, rather laughably, as the best player in the world, and if Frank had written this article about him I’d be totally on board. JD Drew? Eh, he’s having a pretty damn good season, though he’s been overpaid for much of his career. David Wright was perhaps the best player in the National League last season (even allowing that his Gold Glove is probably undeserved) and Kevin Youklis is a cheap, pretty decent hitter for a pretty good team. So yes: the poll is dumb, and unscientific, and if the player selections for the All-Star Game are any indicator, players themselves are pretty bad at judging which other players produce the most runs for their teams. Joe Sheehan did a pretty good job tearing them apart on BP, but unfortunately it’s a pay article.

It was offered to me (by a Yankee fan) that this could be taken as a “most overpaid” poll, but then it makes even less sense – sure, Jeter, Zito, and Drew could all be considered overpaid, but Wright and Youklis don’t make much money (in relative, millionaire baseball player terms). Anyway, back to Frank:

Now how in the world is Jeter overrated? Sure he doesn’t deserve to be paid $18 million, but neither does anyone else for that matter. So how else is he overrated? What are you judging him by? He’s a leader, he’s consistent, he’s clutch, and he’s a proven winner.

Using the argument “no baseball player deserves to be paid $18 million dollars” isn’t a good start in debunking any “Derek Jeter is overrated” arguments, although we’ve established it probably doesn’t have much to do with money in this particular case. Then, a parade of meaningless buzzwords used to, well, overrate players: consistent, clutch, proven winner. The kind of silly things people say that athletes like Kevin Garnett aren’t until they get surrounded by a top flight surrounding cast, and then, voila! They’re winners. Shocker.

Derek Jeter is a future Hall of Famer. If he had gotten drafted by the Pittsburgh Pirates, he’d be a future Hall of Famer with no World Series rings, barring a mid-career megadeal with a big market team. It wouldn’t necessarily invalidate his ability as a player, just like it doesn’t inherently mean he’s a better player than Alex Rodriguez or any of the other superior players who didn’t have his good fortune.

He hustles on every play, he shows up to work and goes about his business the right way and does everything that is asked of him. He ALWAYS has a team first mentality, something lost on the game these days.

“Hustle” is another totally subjective and meaningless adjective people throw out to support players who aren’t very good, like David Eckstein. Not a good argument. As for the team first mentality, that was evidenced when he volunteered to move to third base so that Alex Rodriguez, a vastly superior defender, could remain at shortstop.

Oh, wait, that never happened.

Frank then goes on to list a whole bunch of awards Jeter has won. Some are more meaningful than others; I would argue that “All-Star Game MVP” and any minor league accolades mean slightly less than nothing. No award is really more important than objective analysis, which reveals that, yes, Jeter was at various times in his career a premiere offensive shortstop, and is a deserving future Hall of Famer. This is when Frank’s argument starts to really go off the rails, however:

The timing of this poll is questionable. It is taken at a time when the Yankees were struggling, Now if this poll had been conducted in October, when Mr. Jeter has been playing for the last 13 years then I think the results would be different.

Derek Jeter, regular season career: .316/.387/.459

Derek Jeter, postseason career: .309/.377/.469

His OPS is literally identical. The idea that he’s a superior player in the postseason is one of the myths about him, I think, that leads people to overrate him. Also, it’s been made abundantly clear Jeter wasn’t the only reason the Yankees made the playoffs every season. Implying as such may be one way in which he is, get ready for it, overrated!

I think that a lot of this is based on jealously. Jeter is THIRD on the Yankees ALL-TIME hit list. Now think about that. Think of everyone who’s put on the pinstripes and think how Derek is only behind Ruth and Gehrig. That’s amazing. But according to most people this is a feat that just any ol’ joe can do.

Impressive. He’s not nearly the player Ruth, Gehrig, or a number of guys behind him on the list were, but still impressive. Also, I don’t think anyone implied that “any ol’ joe” could play Major League Baseball, much less have as good a career as Derek Jeter. That’s a bit of a strawman argument, don’t you think?

But then again jealously rears it’s ugly face again. Why? Because he plays in New York, plays for the most storied franchise in professional sports, has fame, fortune, looks, women and the list can go on and on. I’m jealous of Derek too but I don’t think he’s overrated.

You’ve made that abundantly clear.

Maybe I’m still living off the Yankee dynasty of the late 90’s, but he’s still here and still performing.

Nothing you say makes me believe you’re in any way living off the 1990’s, not at all (except when you mentioned all the stuff Jeter did in the 1990’s). And if by “still performing” you mean “posting a .729 OPS this year”, then sure. I think this is the crux of why a few people say things like “Derek Jeter is overrated” – he’s had a great career, starred on several great teams, and now that he’s in the decline phase of his career and anyone dares question his ability, people like Frank bring up antecdotes about the 1990’s and how much of a “proven winner” he is and they invariably mention “the flip” or some other play he made because he had a chance to play in dozens and dozens of postseason games. Those things are all completely and utterly irrelevant to how good a baseball player Derek Jeter is in the year 2008.

Maybe it’s the fact he gets to live out his boyhood dream of playing shortstop for the Yankees.

A dream he generously agreed to continue living. For a mere $18 million a season! Another thing: people always act like Derek Jeter is devoid of greed or of ego. He probably deserved whatever he could get from the Yankees, but please don’t act like it matters that his dream was to play for the Yankees and he has an “aw shucks” demeanor about the game, unlike any other player. It’s insulting.

Maybe it’s because he’s dated women such as Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Mariah Carey, Vanessa Minillio. Maybe it’s because he has his own cologne.

Uh oh, you found me out! If it wasn’t for Jeter, I’d have a shot with any of those women! And so would Chris Coste! And Marlon Anderson! And Miguel Cairo! Also: irrelevant to the argument.

Whatever the case may be, everyone should get off the Hater-ade. It just makes you sound ignorant and like you have no idea what you’re talking about. If he’s overrated then please tell me who’s better and who has a resume in today’s game better than Jeter?

A Hater-ade reference! If Tiger Woods gets his own brand of Gatorade, does Derek Jeter get “Hater-ade: Yankee Shortstop, Captain, and Hero of the Free World” edition? Also, while I can’t find players with Jeter’s specific resume you posted (I mean, Yankees’ Minor League Player of the Year in 1994? I don’t think anyone else can make that claim to fame) I can find a few with pretty decent ones that are also better players. Like this guy or this guy or this guy.

If we want to put resume aside (Rickey Henderson, come back! Frank wants you on his team!) Hanley Ramirez is better right now, and so is a player that Frank trashed last year and proposed as overrated this year, Jose Reyes (.845 OPS, as of this second, and 2nd among shortstops in VORP). Jeter is ranked 12th in baseball in VORP currently…among shortstops.

See? You just said Jeter wasn’t overrated and then basically implied he’s the best player in the sport. Way to blow up your own argument.

I want to add that by the same measure, Jeter should’ve been the MVP in 2006 – I wouldn’t argue with you there. He’s also, historically, a better second half player. But during a decline year, if you’re going to say he’s not overrated, then subsequently overrate him using a totally nebulous argument and claim anyone who disgarees is jealous – well, sorry, you deserve the ridicule.

This isn’t a pleasant revelation to people who bristle at any suggestion that Jeter isn’t one of the game’s elite, or that he’s overrated based on past success. He’s making $18 million dollars to be a middle-of-the-pack SS this year and yet is still beyond reproach to some (non-stathead) people. How does that not make him “overrated” in some sense?

I’ve stated this many times in the past…Derek Jeter has the best life in the world. He plays for the New York Yankees (his boyhood dream), makes millions of dollars, has a list of women that would put any man to shame, is still young, he performs at a high level and enjoys what he does. Doesn’t get any better than that. Yep, I said it, he has the best all around life of anyone you could think of. Now try and debate that.

I’m sure there are some computer programmers out there who think Steve Jobs’ life is totally sweet. I also imagine there’s an argument to be made for any number of professional athletes or celebrities. Either way, still not relevant. That is, unless we take his VORG (Value Over Replacement Girlfriend) into account, which, if it tops Tom Brady’s, makes him the World’s Greatest Man.

Also, this highlights the irony of all of this: the man probably doesn’t need Frank making a bizarre argument to defend his present status as one of the game’s elite, and he probably doesn’t care that I’m tearing apart said argument, either. The dude has a pretty sweet life.

He’s still got a lot of baseball in him and there’s no question he is a sure future Hall of Famer.

Probably, and certainly. He’s no longer the player he was though, with his offense slipping and his defense as bad as ever.

The day he gets inducted in, we’ll remember him for so many things:

Please, God, say “The Flip”.

hitting the first HR in November,

They lost that World Series. Jeter’s supposed to be about winning. Boring. Not “The Flip”.

being the first to be named MVP of the All-Star Game and World Series in the same season (2000),

Two relatively meaningless awards. Good job picking up the slack, but I guess people will remember this just like they remembered Jeff Conine winning the All-Star Game MVP in 1995, or Scott Brosius winning the World Series MVP in 1998. When are you going to mention “The Flip”, anyway?

making one of the most memorable plays in postseason hisoty [sic] (The Flip),

YES! YES! THE FLIP! The only player in the entire world that could have conceivably made that play! I take it back. I take it all back. I hope they rename New York “Jeter City” and carve his face into the fucking moon so every time Jeremy Giambi looks up at it, he can cry tears of endless regret for not fucking sliding.

the guy that was face of the latest Yankee dynasty

I’ll give you that.

but most importantly..he will always be remembered as a Yankee.

Is that really most important? Doesn’t Luis Sojo get invited to Old Timer’s Day and get “remembered” as a Yankee too? You could do way better than this in defending the guy.

Now I know that makes people jealous…. but he earned it.

Other things I am jealous of: uncritical fanboy adulation on the internet.

The odds that Derek Jeter will see any of this is close to zero; the odds that Derek Jeter will continue to have a pretty sweet life regardless is pretty much the opposite of that. What does that have to do with his current ability as a baseball player?

A whole lot of nothing.

Update: I want to take the time to clarify that my lampooning of Frank’s article shouldn’t be held as an endictment on Hot Stove New York. There’s a good deal of pretty good writing over there and they’ve put a lot of work into their site, and if the Leitch/Bissinger slugfest taught us anything its that we bloggers (even lazy, sparsely-read part-timers like me) are all kind of on the same team. That said, I just couldn’t resist the temptation to have a little bit of fun.

Update to the Update: Wow, uh, on second thought…

Sean Avery heads to Dallas, Glen Sather still (presumably) as smug as ever.

Rangers GM Glen Sather has quickly made his mark on this season’s NHL free agent buying spree, overpaying Wade Redden to the tune of $6.5 million dollars a year and Michael Roszival for $5 million a year. Hey, it’s not like we’ve needed a physical defenseman since Jeff Beukeboom got sucker punched in 1998 (10 years, for those counting at home). To be fair to Glen it’s not as if Redden’s signing doesn’t try to address the team’s other blue line need – a defenseman that can move the puck. However, signing him and Roszival strikes me as somewhat redundant, and I don’t even think Roszival’s as bad a defenseman as a lot of other Rangers fans do.

That would almost be forgivable, however, if Sather’s arrogance did not cost the team one of its most dynamic players. Sean Avery, who after earlier today making for some more hilarious blog fodder decided to take his antics to Dallas, signing with the Stars for less than $4 million a season over the next four years. While Avery’s stat sheet is, on the surface, solid-but-unspectacular, the Rangers don’t have another forward with the same edge on the ice. This past season the Rangers were 33-14-10 with Avery in the lineup and 9-13-3 without him. Obviously, Avery isn’t that good, but his impact on ice was undeniable. He was an agitator, a playmaker, and a scorer all in one, a combination the Rangers simply cannot replace on their roster.

Now without Avery and very possibly Jaromir Jagr (our leading scorer – remember him?) the Rangers will have some serious issues in filling their first two lines. Sjostrom! Voros! Rissmiller! Get ready to see these names getting significant minutes next season, barring a surprise signing or trade (and scratch Marian Hossa off that list – he’s going to Detroit, a team that obviously needed more scoring). It’s looking as if the best case scenario now for the Rangers (if you’re still concerned only about next season) is a Jagr return and a Mats Sundin signing, a scenario that doesn’t particularly excite me all that much considering the team’s current situation. But hey, a possibly declining Wade Redden for six years! Who can complain, right?! Thanks Glen! I do hope you enjoy a good cigar in the luxury box next season, because you’ve earned it.

Oh well. Thanks for the memories, Sean, and good luck in Dallas. At least you’ll be far away from those pesky French-Canadians. And we all know Martin “Fatso” Brodeur won’t miss you…

Update: The Rangers made a not-terrible trade getting Nikolai Zherdev from the Blue Jackets along with Dan Fritsche for Fedor Tyutin (who I liked, but was expendable) and future Hall of Famer Christian Backman. Zherdev instantly becomes a top 6 forward on the Rangers and they now have two spots open at the back of the defense while saving a little cap room…like I said, not terrible.