TLOS Redux: Smith Haven Mall, Society’s Cesspool

This is Part One of an ongoing series where I recycle old articles I wrote months or even years ago in lieu of any new material. The excitement is literally pouring out of your computer screen and onto your lap!

Originally posted March 22nd, 2007, as requested by

raistlinp

 . Enjoy.

One morning when I was walking around Smith Haven Mall during a break at work, there came to me a startling realization. That realization, very simply, was that the mall environment is basically a microcosm of almost everything that I hate about people and our society as a whole – all the ridiculous, mundane, greedy, pointless and just flat out terrible traits of the average person are exemplified in the mall. First, it was when I thought about New Faces, the “talent scouting agency” that resides there (which, by the way, has been busted for being a scam). Wondering who would actually put faith that their dreams of fame and fortune could come true in a crooked company with teenaged “talent scouts” got me thinking as to just what a ridiculous place the mall really is.

Think about what the mall is for a moment. What do you picture when you think of it? You picture mobs of semi-conscious drones, wandering from store to store, usually for no real reason or purpose, to dispose of their hard-earned income. These drones are being serviced by similar drones, programmed (in theory) by hours of repetitive and boring training to maximize income for themselves and their company. In some cases they have a personal stake in their business, but for the most part, they (like me) are detached robots made to sell goods to people, whether they should be buying them or not. That isn’t for us to decide. I loathe what I do, but I do it because it pays – what a wonderful concept! Directives for employees like me and even the managers above us are handed down by corporate suits very far away, who probably have never set foot in a mall because they’re too busy smoking $100 bills for fun.

For the perfect example of this, I recall one instance during the summer when we had a run where we were required by corporate headquarters to run the Discovery Channel in HIGH DEFINITION on all televisions in our department. I capitalize HIGH DEFINITON because, as an electronics salesman, I am told to stress that HIGH DEFINITION television is the single greatest invention in the history of the universe. Anyway, anyone who’s watched the Discovery Channel for more than five minutes knows it’s all not PG material, but this is irrelevant – we had to show the network. So one day, when an anthropological documentary featuring naked aborigines frolicking around their village was airing on every big screen television in the store, it had to be left on. No ESPN, no CNN – just lots of aboriginal boobies bouncing about…in HIGH DEFINITION! Absurdity at its finest. This happened at a store that once got sued several years ago (no joke) for accidentally airing the Playboy Channel on all of its televisions. Remarkable.

Unfortunately, our store now shows the same 15 minute loop of ads and highlights on every television that’s been showing since November. I don’t even work that much (thankfully), but I can certainly tell you that you should go buy The Devil Wears Prada, on DVD December 12th! By the way, I’m writing this article in late March, and if I’m ever forced to sit through the entirety of The Devil Wears Prada my head may actually explode (unless Anne Hathaway was part of the deal).

Then, there are our valued customers. Some vaguely resemble reasonable human beings when they’re dealing with money and things that are shiny and would impress their friends. A depressingly large number, however, do not. After one customer brought in several ads from anonymous (read: fake) online stores asking me to match prices on TV’s worth thousands of dollars, I refused and explained our store policy on the matter. Not liking my answer (or my desire to not get fired), he decided to go downstairs to my store manager and completely make up a new story to try to get me in trouble anyway. Good going, dipshit. There are dozens of things I do every shift that I could probably get in trouble for – you didn’t need to make up some shitty, implausible story to do the job.

Seriously, what could possibly possess somebody to try to make another man lose his job for a few hundred dollars on a TV? For all he knew I could’ve been supporting my family. Luckily, my job’s only real function is to pay for my World of Warcraft addiction, but still, what the fuck?

Walking around the mall isn’t any less depressing. You’ll see dozens and dozens of glazed-over expressions. Often times I see the same cast of characters in the mall every time I work – apparently it’s the thing to do to pass the time. If I ever get to the point in my life where I need to walk around the mall aimlessly to pass all my time, you have permission to shoot me. And by you, I mean anybody reading this (I was reminded soon after posting this that nobody is going to read any of this, in all likelihood, so I should be pretty safe on this one).

Most prominently featured among the mall’s visitors are the groups of idiot teenagers, dumped off by their disinterested parents, devoid of imagination and required to dress exactly like their friends – whether that means a Goth with his black trenchcoat and chains, guys with girl pants and sweaters, or just assholes that look like they came out of a bad WB teen drama. I know I’m not the first person to say this, but let me say it again: regardless of how you dress or what music you listen to, you’re not actually in Greenwich Village or Transylvania or wherever the fuck you’d rather be – you’re still just a moron from Long Island wasting your life walking around Smith Haven Mall just like everyone else is. On a somewhat related note, my favorite recent addition to the mall is the new Starbucks, because it opened the place up to another favorite demographic of mine – pompous pseudo-intellectuals who like to sit around a table and inflate each other’s egos over a five dollar cup of coffee. Just another social clique to throw into the great melting pot of stupidity! Hooray!

So really, if you’re reading this and you’re one of these people, go find something better to do with your lives. Malls are fine as centers of commerce, but they are not a substitute for a life. Get some fresh air, or better yet, go learn something new about the world. My favorite history professor once asked us rhetorically how many people in Smith Haven Mall could name five world leaders – the implication here was that most people are ignorant, and I can’t say I disagree. As long as people keep dwelling in the inane, like the wonders of an indoor shopping mall in Lake Grove, things will sadly remain that way.

If you don’t want to do that, though, at least do one thing for me – come buy something from me at my job. I need to pay for another month of World of Warcraft, after all. 

What’s happened since this was posted: If you came to the mall recently looking to buy something from me you would have been disappointed, as I quit my job there this past summer. I now have a better gig at Stony Brook Undergraduate Admissions. I’ve also taken an indefinite break from World of Warcraft. What hasn’t changed (despite an expensive facelift and the fact that I don’t work there anymore) is the Smith Haven Mall itself, which I can only presume still sucks.