The Idiot Happy Mets Fan’s Guide to the Mets Roster: Position Players

Hey guys! I’ve really had enough of being a “Negative Nancy”, so I’ve decided to start looking on the brighter side of life. There’s so much to treasure – the smell of the fresh green grass, the vivid colors of the fall foliage, the bright sunlight radiating on a brisk autumn day! Oh, what natural beauty and splendor does to fill me with such joy! Shakespeare himself could not write words poetic enough to express my enthusiasm with the wonders of life.

Of course, today it’s disgusting as all-hell and rainy outside, but still, isn’t everything grand? At least we’re not living in like, Burma or some shit, am I right guys?

With this kind of unabashed optimism, it’s no wonder I decided to take the time to look positively upon the New York Mets, who did their best and won 88 games this year! Way to go boys! Let’s take a look at the upcoming offseason with a sunny disposition for a change, not with the Debbie Downer “worst collapse in the history of the universe” mindset you hear so often! So what if the Phillies won the division? Screw ‘em! After all, Ya Gotta Believe!

PS I totally wrote this at work because I AM A BADASS LMAO!

Catcher – Paul Lo Duca: What a fighter! I love the way Paul runs hard out of the box when he grounds out. Way to make them work for the out, Paul! The defense can never sleep on this guy. For some reason the umpires don’t like Paul, so it’s understandable that he got thrown out of a bunch of games this year, like the time he threw the bats on the field! He was like “f you fags this is my field” lol! It’s alright Paul, I understand. Maybe if he didn’t have the umpires getting on his case all the time, he’d slug higher than .378. Yeah, I think that’s definitely it. People will say “but he’s old!” and to that I say “pssh get a clue, Paul Lo Duca’s got fire!”. Keep the man!

First Base – Carlos Delgado: Back when he was on the Blue Jays those bastard Canadians brainwashed him into not standing for God Bless America, but thankfully for us now he’s in New York and a true American hero. I wonder if those guys also brainwashed him into thinking he could hit ROFL jkjk no but seriously dude maybe hit .260 next year, that would be super.

Second Base – Jose Valentin/Luis Castillo/Ruben Gotay/Damion Easley: Whew! Where to begin? My friends and I say Jose Valentin’s moustache reminds me of a Mexican porn star haha! JK I know he’s Puerto Rican. Luis Castillo I think is the guy that used to play on the Marlins and he won a World Series so you know he’s good. As for the other two, did you know Damion Easley was in the Home Run Derby in like, 1998? That’s crazy, right? I can’t really remember anything about Ruben Gotay, sorry. I’m sure he’s a swell guy, though!

Shortstop – Jose Reyes: I for one am NOT worried about his so-called “swoon” in the second half! Jose’s dancing and smiling keeps the team loose and happy, even when they are losing 11-2 to inferior teams, and that my friends is priceless. Hanley who?

Third Base – David Wright: Aside from being a total dreamboat (I’ll admit, there are times I wish I was a 14 year old girl so I could get one of those sweet pink “Mrs. Wright” shirts lol! I call “no homo” on that!) there really isn’t anything Davey can’t do! Hitting for average, hitting for power, stealing bases, bowling, doing video game commercials, stopping terrorists, curing cancer – he’s like Jack Bauer, Willie Mays and God rolled into one.

Left Field – Moises Alou: Hey did you know he pees on his hands? That’s gross! No hand-peers on my team, brother! Then again he’s 130 years old and if this team needs anything, it’s experience for those tough pennant races so that they don’t blow huge leads in September!

Center Field – Carlos Beltran: You know I am trying to be positive but I can’t take this guy. He has the fucking gall to take Fred Wilpon’s millions, then come here and hit lots of home runs and play a gold glove outfield? Well, you know what? He’s a sissy. Injuries are for pussies. It’s like “hey three run homer OW MY QUAD”. And don’t get me started – strike three in the NLCS? It’s not like you can expect David Wright to get more than four hits in seven games or Billy Wagner to get So Taguchi out. So what if he has a career .817 slugging percentage in the playoffs? I’m only interested in the most important stat – wins. Remember Jay Payton? Now THAT guy was a fucking winner. Beltran for Payton? Do it yesterday.

Right Field – Shawn Green/Lastings Milledge: It doesn’t look like Shawn is coming back and I guess that means the Mets won’t be quite as kosher next year LOL! That was a joke for my Jewish friends out there. But seriously, I’ll miss the way his hat always flew off when he ran after a ball in the gap that he couldn’t get to. Also, his precipitous power drop-off is totally not suspicious, I don’t care what anyone says. Lastings likes rap music, which threatens my sensibilities, and I do not like the way he showboats because showboating is bad no matter how good you are! I wish we had a real prospect like Melky Cabrera, now that kid’s a fucking stud! If we’re lucky maybe we can trade Lastings for Darin Erstad and a case of Natural Light, because I am all about boring white baseball players and cheap shitty beer!

Bench:
Endy Chavez – Best. Player. Ever. Remember “the catch”? Huh? Do ya do ya do ya? Too bad that ass Beltran screwed everything up!
David Newhan – Who?
Ramon Castro – LOL fat.
Marlon Anderson – Doesn’t pee on his hands!
Carlos Gomez – Don’t remember, trade him.

If there’s one guy I miss badly, it’s Xavier Nady, because as we all know – x gon’ give it to ya! Haha! Continued success in Pittsburgh X-Man!

Anyone I didn’t talk about probably isn’t important anyway. That means you, Jeff Conine and Mike DiFelice! You got burned! 

I guess that’s it for now. As you can see the Mets’ position players have very little in the way of flaws or vulnerabilities. If we aren’t so gosh darn unlucky next year I bet we can go all the way with the same crew! I’m not done yet though, because soon I’m going to review our starting rotation and bullpen. Those guys are so wild, they thought that the season ended in mid-September! What a bunch of pranksters. See you next time!

- Tino