My etymology, revealed.

Ever wonder what my full name, Konstantinos Evangelou, actually means? What’s that? You don’t care? Well you’re going to find out anyway if you keep reading! Let’s break it down!

Konstantinos: A Greek version of the Latin name Constantine, which was in turn derived from the Latin word for “steadfast”. The name was popularized in Greece thanks to Emperor Constantine, who legalized Christianity in the Roman Empire.

Evangelou: Derived from “evangelion”, meaning deliverance of good news. Most often the word is used in a religious context, as in the Evangelismos (Annunciation).

Put it all together and you have me: Steadfast Good News!

I find this more than slightly ironic.

While I’m on this topic, I have a somewhat inane story involving my moniker to share. Apparently, my full name is so impressive that a couple of years ago two somewhat “off” girls from one of the Christian organizations on campus tried convincing me to join their group for Bible study on the grounds that I had a “very holy name”. This was after they thought it was a newsflash to me that my name had any kind of a religious connotation. Newsflash for you: I am familiar with my heritage, thank you. As for the Bible study offer, I very politely declined, of course. Even if I was at all religious (which I’m not), I could have found significantly less insane people to study the Bible with.

In an unrelated story, I have an administrative law midterm in less than two hours that I am somewhat unprepared for. See? Steadfast Good News! The irony continues to be overwhelming!

Oh, and Happy Halloween!

Goodnight, Land of Spite.

I’m sure nobody cares, but I’ll let you guys know anyway…

In what I’m sure will come as a huge surprise to everyone I have decided after almost 5 years that I’m not going to continue to act like I’m ever going to update Tino’s Land of Spite again. In other words, it’s now officially retired with my review of Equilibrium being the last article ever posted, a whopping 57 months after my ode to the disastrous 2002 Mets season (some things never change). That’s 63 articles containing countless thousands of words and wasting countless hours of my life, for those keeping score at home.

So why am I retiring TLOS? Well, It basically operated as a glorified blog for most of its lifespan anyway, and I can do the same things here with a lot more ease. I briefly considered importing the old articles here with their original dates, in effect making this a direct continuation of TLOS, but then I realized that would be pretty ridiculous and a fairly big waste of time on my part. This basically is a continuation of TLOS as it is, with a lot of the same kind of subject matter. I’m just more mature and a better writer now, or so I’d like to think.

Why do I even care enough to write about this? Well, I enjoy writing. I enjoy ranting. I enjoy venting about the ridiculous things that go on in everyday life, I enjoy poking fun at the world and I enjoy talking about things I’m passionate about. I really enjoy when someone tells me they actually liked something I wrote, but even if I was in a vacuum and nobody ever saw this, I’d still like doing it. When I put up Tino’s Land of Spite I didn’t realize how much I actually enjoyed broadcasting my thoughts to anyone who’d care to read them. The fact any of you found any entertainment in what I had to say is an added bonus to the fact this has turned into one of my favorite pastimes.

The link to TLOS that is on this blog will remain if you ever want to go back and see any of my old stuff. Some articles are ridiculous, some (I’ve been told) are pretty funny, and some are just…I don’t know. For example, there’s a now-incredibly ironic article where I rail on blogging and the blogosphere. You can even see things I wrote when I was a 16 year old internet asshole, as opposed to the 21 year old internet asshole I am now. Five years is a pretty long time and a lot of things have changed since 2002. Regardless, the point was to have some fun, and I certainly did. Now it’s time to look to the future, and the future is…livejournal? What the hell?

Speaking of the literary monstrosity that is this blog, I’ve been pondering lately whether it’s worth it to take it in a more serious direction now and then, mainly in regards to my views on more serious matters like relationships and politics. I probably won’t, both because I’m kind of worried about the kind of effect any serious discourse on those things would have on the mood of this page and also because (I think) most people reading this have a pretty decent idea on where I stand on those matters by now anyway. I did think about it however, so if you think it’s either an awesome idea or that I should flagellate myself for being such an idiot, you may feel free to tell me and I’ll be happy to know what you think either way.

For now, the “Open Letter” and ensuing debate is about as serious as I’m ever going to get in regards to my views on relationships and anything I write about politics is likely to be saturated in satire or sarcasm. I’m not sure I really want to regularly start getting into those topics more heavily than that right now, but who knows? Maybe one day I’ll wake up and decide otherwise. Or maybe next year I’ll make a blog called “The Condor Doesn’t Like Either Major Presidential Candidate!” and I can use that as a forum for my self-righteous bitching. Only time (and my mood at any given moment) will tell.

Until next time, au revoir. Why French? Because I wanted to sound especially pretentious.

Monday morning musings

It was a busy weekend in the sports world and I feel obligated to talk about it.

Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox. Now please, get off my TV/radio/internet and leave me alone until next season. I don’t want to hear anything else about Boston. Yes, they were a great story in 2004, but I really couldn’t care less about them anymore. They’ve become as omnipresent and obnoxious as the Yankees, and that’s saying something.

Speaking of the original Evil Empire, yesterday might’ve been the worst day since 2004 for Yankees fans. That is, at least the ones who aren’t idiots and think their team will magically do better without Alex Rodriguez in the middle of their lineup. On the bright side, Mike Lowell is going to be sitting out there waiting to be overpaid!

I’m mildly surprised that A-Rod did actually opt out, and the timing is pretty ridiculous (Boras couldn’t wait until after the World Series was over? Really?). Still, I have a feeling some team is going to give him what he wants, and A-Rod won’t have to deal with the absurd expectations everyone had of him with the Yankees anymore. Meanwhile, enough Yankee fans and media types will buy Hank Steinbrenner’s spin on the situation that it won’t quite hit most fans until sometime next season just how important A-Rod actually was to the Yankees’ lineup.

For the record, I would be in favor of the Mets getting Alex Rodriguez. Why? Simple: I want my team to have the best players possible. If that means David Wright has to move to second or first base, it has to be done. Do I actually think the Mets will seriously pursue him? Not a snowball’s chance in hell.

I also hope that the Colts wipe the floor with the Patriots this weekend. Like I said, Boston needs to get taken down a notch, like, yesterday. The Giants are now 6-2 and play the Patriots Week 17, so if the Pats win this weekend there’s a chance they might be the only thing standing between the Patriots and a perfect season come that final week. The Giants have plenty to worry about before then, however, like avoiding another late-season collapse and keeping the pressure on the Cowboys. The bye week came at the right time before a huge game against Dallas on November 11th.

That’s all for now, here’s hoping that in 12 months I’m celebrating a Mets championship.

Behold – the future of humanity!

Looks like we’ve got even more entertainment from our wacky friends over at the BBC! This time, it seems someone at the London School of Economics has come up with some ideas as to how the human race might continue to evolve in the coming millennia.

First off, I don’t really know much about the London School of Economics, but having an “evolutionary theorist” working at a school of economics seems counterintuitive. Secondly, like the article itself basically admits, it sounds like the guy got his ideas from an HG Wells book. I guess it’s an interesting hypothetical question but there isn’t much in the way of actual proof in the article for anything the guy says is going to happen other than “technology is going to do everything for us” and “good looking people like to have sex with good looking people”. The whole thing seems overly simplistic and smacks with cultural and sexual elitism, right down to the assumption that everyone has the same (presumably modern Western) standards for physical attractiveness.

Also, I’ll bet a million dollars right now that we won’t be around in 100,000 years, at least not on this planet. Of course, I don’t have a million dollars, but I’m going to be long dead in 102,007 AD and therefore unable to pay up anyway. Hell, I’m not sure we’re making it another 1,000 years at this rate, which is when his supposed “peak’ for mankind occurs.

I digress. Ignoring for a moment everything in this man’s theory that someone could find fault with (and there’s plenty), I’m once again going to pick out one part of the article and blow it entirely out of context. Behold:

“The descendants of the genetic upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative and a far cry from the “underclass” humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures.”

Tall? Slim? Intelligent?!? Attractive?!?! Sound like anyone you might know?

I think it’s very clear what this all amounts to. This is just more evidence of what I’ve secretly known all along: that I am the man of the future. You could say that I’m very much ahead of my time. Maybe this guy isn’t so off-base after all. When my great-great-great-great-great-great grandchildren are the masters of Earth (presuming the human race doesn’t drown or die off in a nuclear holocaust), they’ll be able to look back on this and say “Tino fucking told you so!”.

Now if you excuse me, there’s a mirror that needs my attention. Think I could play this whole “man of the future” angle up from now on? Huh? Anyone? Maybe you should check back later when I return from Delusion Land.

Stony Brook loves to water its plants!

Today has been a cold, miserable, rainy October day. The best I can say is that it at least feels seasonable, unlike the heat wave that we’ve had for most of the past couple of weeks. Still, it’s cold, wet, and disgusting outside. One would think that the last thing you would ever conceivably need to do on a day like this is to water your lawn. Especially since it’s already late October and everything is going to freeze over pretty soon anyway, right?

Wrong!

At around one o’clock in the afternoon today I got out of work and noticed that the sprinkler systems outside the Wang Center were very much operational and in action, making sure that those plants outside our quadrillion-dollar (an actual number and definitely not exaggerated) jewel of an Asian Studies center remained well hydrated. This image is not one you’re likely to see on any of the brochures for the University.

I wasn’t even the slightest bit surprised by this, just amused. I know it’s really not funny that the campus is wasting that much water without flinching but I couldn’t help but start laughing. This isn’t an isolated incident, either. For example, I have personally witnessed the sprinklers in Kelly Quad come on in mid-winter, only to create a giant ice sheet over the middle of the quad.  The schizophrenic sprinkler systems are just another one of the funny absurdities at Stony Brook University. Will they ever get them fixed? I hope for the sake of conservation they do, but I’m not holding my breath.

The possibility of switching the sprinkler system to one that would be sensitive to water levels or something of that nature has been discussed, but actually getting a system like that implemented is another matter. Maybe somebody that knows more about the situation can comment and let me know what the deal is with that.

By the way, there’s a drought in the South. Just thought I’d add that in.
 
BTW: If you’re at all confused by yesterday’s post, it was inspired by this. In case there was any doubt, I’m not actually a Rockies fan. However, I would actually like them to win this series because I really have had enough of Boston sports recently between the Red Sox, Patriots, and the newly-retooled Celtics. Last night did not help matters on that front.

On edit: I’ve realized that the image I took on my cell phone’s camera of the sprinklers being on is kind of shitty and doesn’t really do my story justice. Just trust me, it looked really stupid. I also realized that I introduced the note on yesterday’s posting with an instant messaging acronym, and for that I feel like a worse human being.

Where have all the Yankees fans gone?

You know, I didn’t want to have to rub it in, but I feel that it is my right as a fan of a winning team to do so. That’s because the Yankees have once again “Bronx bombed” their way out of the postseason in the first round while the boys from Colorado are making this a ROCKTOBER to remember!

I find myself wondering aloud, “Where have all the Yankee fans gone?”. You guys are a big joke. What happened to the Hall of Fame induction ceremony that was planned for Joba Chamberlain this month? Cancelled due to mass indifference? Too bad. Maybe with all the free time he has now he can go buy some bug spray. By the way, I hope Wang didn’t hurt his neck from turning around to watch all the balls the Indians hit off him. I know he’s your “ace” and everything so that’d really suck, although I guess you could go out and buy the next Carl Pavano, HAHA. The Yankees have the biggest payroll in baseball and had the best record in the second half and now they’re nowhere, all while the Rockies are on one of the greatest runs in baseball history. You guys don’t deserve to feel as happy as I do, because I’m a true Rockies fan. So what if you drew 4 million fans? What happened to all the Melky Cabrera shirts I was seeing a couple of weeks ago? You guys are nothing but fakes. I still have the same Todd Helton jersey I wore proudly in 1998, when all of you frauds were letting everyone know you were God’s gift to baseball. Congratulations, now it’s my turn to gloat.

I know, it comes as a shock to all of you that I’m actually a Rockies fan, but I’ve been a diehard since 1993 when I was a young baseball orphan and looked to the West for a team I could call my own. I’ll never forget those great teams of the 90’s with superstars like Larry Walker, Dante Bichette, and Vinny Castilla pounding balls out of Coors Field! No Rockies fan can ever forget that one glorious year we made it to the playoffs and got our asses kicked in the first round by Atlanta. Those were the best times to be a Rockies fan…until now, of course. Sure, there were some trials and tribulations. I was so devastated by the Darryl Hamilton trade in 1999 that I adopted the Mets as my second team. Now that those pretenders from Flushing are gone, I can focus my energy on my true love – the Colorado Rockies.

Like I was saying, my fellow Rockies fans and I overcame some rough times. We once gave like, a billion dollars to Denny Neagle and Mike Hampton. The only thing Neagle won in Colorado was a charge of soliciting a prostitute. Oh yeah, that’s Denny Neagle, the guy we signed from your loser franchise! Mike Hampton should’ve played shortstop or something because he sure couldn’t pitch. I hope he liked the schools here, though. But hey, those times are long gone – we’re celebrating now! What are you Yankee fans doing? Crying over Joe Torre like he was your grandfather or something. Oh, he only got you to the playoffs every single season? That’s really rough guys, I hope I never have to endure such a terrible streak with the Rockies, you big babies. Suck it up. I guess your way to cope is to go into hiding until next season, when you’re well on your way to another first round exit.

You guys disgust me. I bet you don’t even remember how spirited the Rockies-Yankees rivalry is. I doubt you remember how my team thrashed you in Colorado this season, with the dominant trio of Josh Fogg, Jeff Francis, and Rodrigo Lopez shutting down your vaunted offense. Guess what? For only $54 million my team made it to the World Series, and for $195 million your team of chokers and losers is at home watching us. How sweet it is! We have winners like Matt Holliday, who by the way is the best player in the entire world. You can’t put a price on things like “desire” or “will to win”. The Rockies play baseball like they fucking mean it, not like all those other teams that go out there and don’t give a shit whether they win or lose.

Oh, so you won the Wild Card, just like us? Whole lot of good that did you! You guys have Roger Clemens’ broken down old body for millions and millions of dollars while we have homegrown studs like Jeff Francis, the man who shut down the mighty Diamondbacks. By the way, nice of A-Rod to show up this postseason…NOT. Has your boy A-Rod ever played in a World Series the way Garrett Atkins is going to? No. Advantage: Atkins. You know who else is better than A-Rod? Mike Lowell, who has proven himself to be more of a winner than A-Rod WILL EVER BE. Answer this question – who do you want to build your team around, Robinson Cano or Kaz Matsui? I’ll take the guy who’s led his team to a World Series, thank you very much. And Derek Jeter…what a star. The only thing he would’ve won this October is a “Ground Out to Shortstop” Derby. On the bright side, I guess he can practice his stupid jump throws in his backyard while Troy Tulowitzki is doing the real thing in Fenway tonight.

Want to argue with me? You can’t, because my team is in the World Series and yours isn’t! Any team that doesn’t get as far as mine in the playoffs is automatically terrible at playing baseball no matter what, or haven’t you heard? You might come back at me with “statistics” and “facts” to show that the players I’m bashing are actually “good” or even “better” than players on the Rockies, but I have the numbers that matter, and those are WINS. Rockies fans everywhere would agree with me.

The Rockies are WINNERS. The Yankees are LOSERS. Choke on it, Yankee fans! My team is an up and coming DYNASTY. When you guys are crying next year about how Donnie Baseball can’t handle all the prima donnas in your clubhouse and A-Rod is hitting home runs for the Angels, I’ll be sitting pretty knowing that I root for a great baseball team, the Colorado Rockies. I can’t wait to see what flops you overpay this offseason HAHA, man, it’s good to be on top of the world.

Rockies-Red Sox, the matchup of the century. While we take on your arch-nemesis you guys are at home with your jerseys hidden away, hiding the embarrassment of another playoff debacle. The lights are out at “The House That Ruth Built” and there’s a party in Denver…I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

Monkey Trouble

Today while browsing the BBC I found out that the deputy mayor of Delhi, India died when he fell while being attacked by a group of monkeys. Evidently, groups of wild monkeys are a big problem in Delhi and the city has sought a number of solutions to this problem. You can read the story in its entirety here, but there’s one particular aspect of this monkey crisis that I couldn’t help but find somewhat amusing:

“One approach has been to train bands of larger, more ferocious langur monkeys to go after the smaller groups of Rhesus macaques.”

So, let’s review: one way to solve Delhi’s monkey problem is to train bigger, fiercer, more intelligent monkeys to ward them off. What then becomes of these “super monkeys” when the smaller ones are gone is anyone’s guess. For some reason this seems like a poor solution to me. Dare I even say that this is a solution that might lead to more problems in the future.

A rare commentary on global events on this page, and of course it has to do with a monkey infestation. Go figure.

Before I forget to mention this, I’m also proud to say that the other night at a restaurant I was able to name every World Series winner since 1969 in order off the top of my head. You’ll be able to read more about this and all the other useless things I’ve accomplished in my upcoming book Why I Am Single. Reserve your copy today!

The life and times of Tino, continued.

What does a young, swingin’ bachelor like me spend his Saturday nights doing?

Getting to the floating continent in Final Fantasy 3, of course!

You know what? Fuck it. I like that game. You can all take your cool lives and fucking shove them.

Where was I? Gooooooooooo Mog!

The Idiot Happy Mets Fan’s Guide to the Mets Roster: Position Players

Hey guys! I’ve really had enough of being a “Negative Nancy”, so I’ve decided to start looking on the brighter side of life. There’s so much to treasure – the smell of the fresh green grass, the vivid colors of the fall foliage, the bright sunlight radiating on a brisk autumn day! Oh, what natural beauty and splendor does to fill me with such joy! Shakespeare himself could not write words poetic enough to express my enthusiasm with the wonders of life.

Of course, today it’s disgusting as all-hell and rainy outside, but still, isn’t everything grand? At least we’re not living in like, Burma or some shit, am I right guys?

With this kind of unabashed optimism, it’s no wonder I decided to take the time to look positively upon the New York Mets, who did their best and won 88 games this year! Way to go boys! Let’s take a look at the upcoming offseason with a sunny disposition for a change, not with the Debbie Downer “worst collapse in the history of the universe” mindset you hear so often! So what if the Phillies won the division? Screw ‘em! After all, Ya Gotta Believe!

PS I totally wrote this at work because I AM A BADASS LMAO!

Catcher – Paul Lo Duca: What a fighter! I love the way Paul runs hard out of the box when he grounds out. Way to make them work for the out, Paul! The defense can never sleep on this guy. For some reason the umpires don’t like Paul, so it’s understandable that he got thrown out of a bunch of games this year, like the time he threw the bats on the field! He was like “f you fags this is my field” lol! It’s alright Paul, I understand. Maybe if he didn’t have the umpires getting on his case all the time, he’d slug higher than .378. Yeah, I think that’s definitely it. People will say “but he’s old!” and to that I say “pssh get a clue, Paul Lo Duca’s got fire!”. Keep the man!

First Base – Carlos Delgado: Back when he was on the Blue Jays those bastard Canadians brainwashed him into not standing for God Bless America, but thankfully for us now he’s in New York and a true American hero. I wonder if those guys also brainwashed him into thinking he could hit ROFL jkjk no but seriously dude maybe hit .260 next year, that would be super.

Second Base – Jose Valentin/Luis Castillo/Ruben Gotay/Damion Easley: Whew! Where to begin? My friends and I say Jose Valentin’s moustache reminds me of a Mexican porn star haha! JK I know he’s Puerto Rican. Luis Castillo I think is the guy that used to play on the Marlins and he won a World Series so you know he’s good. As for the other two, did you know Damion Easley was in the Home Run Derby in like, 1998? That’s crazy, right? I can’t really remember anything about Ruben Gotay, sorry. I’m sure he’s a swell guy, though!

Shortstop – Jose Reyes: I for one am NOT worried about his so-called “swoon” in the second half! Jose’s dancing and smiling keeps the team loose and happy, even when they are losing 11-2 to inferior teams, and that my friends is priceless. Hanley who?

Third Base – David Wright: Aside from being a total dreamboat (I’ll admit, there are times I wish I was a 14 year old girl so I could get one of those sweet pink “Mrs. Wright” shirts lol! I call “no homo” on that!) there really isn’t anything Davey can’t do! Hitting for average, hitting for power, stealing bases, bowling, doing video game commercials, stopping terrorists, curing cancer – he’s like Jack Bauer, Willie Mays and God rolled into one.

Left Field – Moises Alou: Hey did you know he pees on his hands? That’s gross! No hand-peers on my team, brother! Then again he’s 130 years old and if this team needs anything, it’s experience for those tough pennant races so that they don’t blow huge leads in September!

Center Field – Carlos Beltran: You know I am trying to be positive but I can’t take this guy. He has the fucking gall to take Fred Wilpon’s millions, then come here and hit lots of home runs and play a gold glove outfield? Well, you know what? He’s a sissy. Injuries are for pussies. It’s like “hey three run homer OW MY QUAD”. And don’t get me started – strike three in the NLCS? It’s not like you can expect David Wright to get more than four hits in seven games or Billy Wagner to get So Taguchi out. So what if he has a career .817 slugging percentage in the playoffs? I’m only interested in the most important stat – wins. Remember Jay Payton? Now THAT guy was a fucking winner. Beltran for Payton? Do it yesterday.

Right Field – Shawn Green/Lastings Milledge: It doesn’t look like Shawn is coming back and I guess that means the Mets won’t be quite as kosher next year LOL! That was a joke for my Jewish friends out there. But seriously, I’ll miss the way his hat always flew off when he ran after a ball in the gap that he couldn’t get to. Also, his precipitous power drop-off is totally not suspicious, I don’t care what anyone says. Lastings likes rap music, which threatens my sensibilities, and I do not like the way he showboats because showboating is bad no matter how good you are! I wish we had a real prospect like Melky Cabrera, now that kid’s a fucking stud! If we’re lucky maybe we can trade Lastings for Darin Erstad and a case of Natural Light, because I am all about boring white baseball players and cheap shitty beer!

Bench:
Endy Chavez – Best. Player. Ever. Remember “the catch”? Huh? Do ya do ya do ya? Too bad that ass Beltran screwed everything up!
David Newhan – Who?
Ramon Castro – LOL fat.
Marlon Anderson – Doesn’t pee on his hands!
Carlos Gomez – Don’t remember, trade him.

If there’s one guy I miss badly, it’s Xavier Nady, because as we all know – x gon’ give it to ya! Haha! Continued success in Pittsburgh X-Man!

Anyone I didn’t talk about probably isn’t important anyway. That means you, Jeff Conine and Mike DiFelice! You got burned! 

I guess that’s it for now. As you can see the Mets’ position players have very little in the way of flaws or vulnerabilities. If we aren’t so gosh darn unlucky next year I bet we can go all the way with the same crew! I’m not done yet though, because soon I’m going to review our starting rotation and bullpen. Those guys are so wild, they thought that the season ended in mid-September! What a bunch of pranksters. See you next time!

- Tino

The Return of Sensei Jerry

Those of you who accompanied me to Sensei Jerry’s extravaganza a couple of years ago will find this amusing. The rest of you (who will have no idea what the hell I’m talking about) should read on for more information.

Sensei Jerry and his crazy-ass brand of Aiki Jiu Jitsu have finally hit the Bullshido forums. Bullshido happens to be one of the leading martial arts forums on the internet and is frequented by my housemate Ryan. I had told Ryan about our adventure with Sensei Jerry back when it had happened early last year, much to his amusement. I promised I would write an article about all of this back then but I never got around to it and eventually just gave up on the idea, thinking that no written account could really do him or his “dojo” justice.

With his notoriety reaching the Bullshido forums though, I volunteered to write the following brief recollection of our experiences for Ryan to post there. Apparently some members of the forum are discussing visiting Sensei Jerry, and I can only hope they find the experience as gratifying as we did. Our trip provided all of us who went limitless amounts of entertainment to this very day. Read on for more of the background story; you can find Sensei Jerry’s website at http://www.aikijiujitsukungfu.com/.

If anyone who was there with me wants to correct anything I’ve written, let me know, because I’m sure I’ve forgotten something since then.

About a year and a half ago a few friends and I saw an advertisement on a supermarket bulletin board for a “Jiu Jitsu Circus”. Knowing this sounded patently ridiculous but also knowing it had the potential to be a hysterically awesome experience, we headed there one Sunday night. What we witnessed has stayed with me ever since. None of us are martial artists by any means, but we can recognize complete insanity when we see it.

Enter Sensei Jerry. “Class” began with a recap of the most recent “hunt” that took place in Connecticut. Those who had somehow performed in an unsatisfactory manner were punished…with swirlies. I kid you not. Four other members of the group picked them up, carried them to the bathroom, and did the deed. The Sensei then congratulated everyone on a job well done, and began espousing the benefits that come with training – being able to disguise oneself in any situation (for example, the Port Jefferson Ferry), stretching out one’s “meridian system” (according to Sensei Jerry, computers and TV were a government plot to lower life expectancy and the only way to combat this was with the “good fear”). Then, it was time for class to begin. What followed can only be described as: absolutely fucking insane.

The class broke off into random sparring sessions, and in the middle of it was Sensei Jerry. We soon found out what he meant by the “good fear”. Jerry would occassionally pick out someone to chase down with a random weapon of his choice. It would be anything – a rake, a whiffle ball bat, a paddle, a meathook – it was all fair game. Sometimes he would size someone up with throwing knives or ninja stars and they would have to successfully dodge his throws. Jerry seemed to get a lot of enjoyment out of the experience. At one point he was paddling one of the female students on her rear, but took a break from chasing her down to look at us with a maniacal glint in his eyes and exclaim “I love smacking that ass!”. Now and then he would stop by to ask if we were enjoying ourselves or if we wanted to join in. We politely declined to jump into the fray but indicated that we were enjoying the experience, although I’m unsure if he picked up the mix of shock, horror, amusement, and bewilderment we had at the moment. Class continued in this vein for most of the rest of the night.

Finally, Jerry called a break in the action to talk to his class one more time. He had reserved particular praise for one student who was, very oddly, wearing a ninja mask the entire evening. Apparently he had come a long way since he had first started training and had earned Jerry’s respect. He spoke about several individuals – some had been attending for years and years, one older gentleman had even been “near death” before entering the academy, Jerry claimed, but was now full of vim and vigor.

The class drew to a close. The students enjoyed some cake that was served from the refreshment stand, in retrospect an odd amenity for a ‘dojo’. We made our way home with a story to tell, but not before Jerry handed us small pamphlets with a hilarious self-help quiz to find out if we too needed his services. I wish I still had mine, but it contained a lot of the same catchphrases you’ll find on his website now. The best way to describe the whole experience was “remarkable” and we spent an hour talking about it over coffee afterwards. Ryan was rather amused when I told him about our adventure (as I expected he would be) and was even more amused to see that Jerry and his group had finally caught the attention of Bullshido, as was I. I hope you all get a chance to see Jerry and his crew first hand, it’s really something to behold.

Updates will follow as more information comes to light. I may visit the place again sometime in the near future to get a refresher course; if this happens, I will certainly write a more complete account of the experience for everyone. Stay tuned.