No, I am not from Sparta. Yes, you are an idiot.

I wanted to briefly share one of my favorite anecdotes from the Greek Film Festival in Los Angeles a few weekends ago. I had just sat down to watch one of the films when a middle-aged woman turned around to marvel at my height. Naturally, I’m very used to this by now. I was, however, not prepared for the blunt idiocy of this particular gawker:

“Wow, you’re very tall for a Greek. Are you one of the Spartans?”

I did a quick scan for any subtle hint of humor or irony in the question. There was none. Apparently, she had recently seen the movie 300, and therefore associated great size amongst Greeks with being Spartan. My brain instantly did what it usually does when encountering such uninhibited stupidity and braced itself for the worst. I remained diplomatic, however.

“Uh, ha, no, my mom is Cretan and my dad is Macedonian.”

She then babbled something about how she was impressed at my height, was under the impression that Spartans were really tall, and went on her merry way. Sadly, I didn’t get a chance to ask her if she thought that Persians wear scary masks all the time and worship their giant, sexually ambiguous ruler. I escaped stunned but otherwise unscathed. Note that she was at a Greek Film Festival and her husband was Greek, leading me to wonder just how completely unaware of one’s surroundings one can possibly be.

I saw the movie 300. I thought it was incredibly entertaining. I also knew someone from Sparta, and he was about 5′9. Let’s be serious, I’m an aberration for any ethnic group. There isn’t a place on earth where being almost 7 feet tall is considered some kind of norm. If you know of one, you might have a future as an NBA scout.

Since we’re on the topic, I feel that I should make it clear I’ve probably heard every height related joke or question. Yes, I can dunk. No, I never played basketball. Yes, I wear big socks. No, the weather isn’t any different a foot higher in the atmosphere. It really isn’t that spectacular, but I guess the attention comes with the territory. It’s just not the kind of attention I’d always prefer.

The 1990’s were more ridiculous than I remember. (Or: Adventures in YouTube)

This update could’ve also been titled “how I waste my time late at night”. The other day a post on my Mets forum led me on a random YouTube spree that resulted in me watching the video for the dance hit “Another Night” by “The Real McCoy”. For those not familiar, Real McCoy is a dance group from Germany who hit the peak of their popularity in the mid-1990’s, back when I was a wee lad who read Goosebumps books religiously and played Hot Cross Buns on the violin like it was nobody’s business. I was always a dork.

Well, anyway, I found the music videos for “Another Night”, and they’re both completely fucking absurd. In the first video, a creepy German man runs a radio show where he issues cryptic statements to his love interest, who we presume to be a woman riding around on a motorcycle while wearing what appears to be Launchpad McQuack’s headgear. Together the two sing about how they dream of one another, or something. I’m actually not really sure if the guy is referring to her in particular, but she’s got a poster of the DJ in her room, so you know she’s serious. Real McCoy wants to leave you guessing about the meaning of their music so they throw in a bunch of video of random men operating hand cranks, which I’m at a loss to explain. I can’t believe I just wrote this paragraph.

The best part of the song is when the creepy German dude breaks it down:

I talk, talk, I talk to you
In the night in your dream of love so true

He’ll talk to you. In your dreams. And when he says “talk”, he says “tawk”. On second thought, I’m not sure if he’s from Germany or Long Island.

Vision of love that seems to be true
we will do all the things that only lovers do

I’m glad the song stayed PG, I’d hate it if children heard about “all the things that only lovers do”. That’s a pretty long list – anything from “laundry” to “lots and lots of sex” is fair game. And then of course comes the creepiest part of the song:

I am the lover, your lover
Hey, sister, let me cover your body with my loving
Is my loving just a number?

The guy was trying to make a case, but here he just loses it. I’m not very good with the ladies, but even I could tell him that mentioning his bizarre German incest fantasies on the radio probably isn’t the way to go. Is my loving just a number? I don’t know what that means.

Apparently, “Another Night” was so popular that there’s a second video for the song! I’m actually not sure which one came first, but I think I like this one more. There are weird robot people falling in love, and the creepy German guy is wearing a sweet-ass space suit that I can’t really mess with. He redeems himself slightly. I would break it down further but I don’t have access to whatever recreational drugs made the creation of this music video a possibility so I don’t think I could possibly do it justice.

Now, I wasn’t really into the club scene in 1995 because I was nine years old. I’m still not into the club scene because I hate clubs. However, I was under the impression this was an incredibly popular dance song, which completely makes me rethink the 90’s as a decade. This was considered cool? What? That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t totally have a bitchin’ dance party with this and other 90’s dance hits playing the whole time while I talked about the Mets trading Bobby Bonilla and how I was glad I’d never have to see him again only to be brutally wrong a few years later, because that’s what I do at parties! In a related story, I don’t have a girlfriend.

What do you think? Which video is better? What did you think of the 1995 Mets? Do I have too much free time? Comment and let me know! And if you need more entertainment, then enjoy being rickrolled!

Go see Transformers.

I’m 2 for 2 on movies this summer. Just go do it. You’ll have fun. Trust me. I now want to vote for Optimus Prime in 2008.

Have a fun fourth of July!

Late nights are for winners!

Why is it that every new Adult Swim show completely sucks? The last new shows to come out that were really good were Venture Brothers and Robot Chicken. Everything since then…ugh. Saul of the Mole Men? What the fuck is that even about? Shin Chan is the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen in my life. And enough of Inuyasha already; I know it’s not one of the new shows I’m ripping on, but it sucks. It really, really sucks. Thanks a lot, Cartoon Network. I guess I shouldn’t complain seeing as I still spend every night watching Futurama, Family Guy, and some combination of Robot Chicken/Harvey Birdman/ATHF before any of that other crap comes on, but still.

Speaking of animated television shows, I am actually very psyched for The Simpsons movie. Admittedly, I haven’t watched the show much recently to the point where I’ve maybe seen 10% of the last few seasons. However, I practically grew up on the show and regardless of what anyone says I still think it’s the best television show in history, especially the first seven or eight seasons (which I’ve seen numerous times over). I’ve even had the same Bart Simpson “Underachiever: And Proud Of It, Man!” poster on my wall since I was about 7 or 8 years old. It’s scary how well it foreshadowed my future as a slacker. Anyway, I’ve been hoping for a Simpsons movie since the early 1990’s, so this has been a long time coming.

Tomorrow I’ll be seeing the Transformers movie which I expect to be nothing short of amazing.

I also officially handed in my grad school papers which reminded me that (short of spontaneous combustion) this time next year I will be a full-time intern of some sort, finishing my masters degree and finally breaking into the “real world” once and for all. Sobering. Time marches on!

The New York Rangers will buy your players…

…and I am perfectly alright with that.

Scott Gomez and Chris Drury are New York Rangers, and I couldn’t be happier. It means the end of Michael Nylander on Broadway, who I liked, but Drury and Gomez are both great two-way centers and upgrade the team dramatically. It also means Matt Cullen moves down to his more appropriate role as a third-line center. The Rangers still need some help on the blue line  but as long as they take care of their business as far as Henrik Lundqvist and Sean Avery are concerned they are going to be a dangerous hockey team come this fall.

I feel euphoric right now…the Rangers are better, the Mets won 3 of 4 from the Phillies, and our beloved Dreisini softball team is playing its best ball of the season after an incredible doubleheader sweep. Things are good.