New York Baseball Fans, Part One.

The most exciting thing to happen to me today? Nearly slipping in the bathroom coming out of the shower and smashing my head open. With nobody else home. That would’ve been lovely.

Anyway, now that I got the obligatory “things going on in my life” part out of the way, I wanted to go off on the New York baseball fan and the stereotype that they’re more “enlightened” than fans of most other teams. I still like to believe that’s true, if only because I’m a  baseball elitist from New York who loves his OPS and VORP, but I’m starting to seriously wonder whether that’s the case.

Yesterday while having lunch at a local diner I was sitting across the aisle from a gentleman who was having a discussion from the waiter about the Yankees game. A-Rod grounded into a double play with the bases loaded in the 4th inning of yesterday’s game against the Orioles, a game the Yankees eventually won easily 10-6. Keeping in mind the Yankees were already ahead and on the second out of the double play, Derek Jeter was actually safe at home plate, this was what the man said to the waiter:

“A-Rod….always does that. Bases loaded, clutch situations, men on base, he just doesn’t get the job done…great player, yeah, but he never gets it done in a big spot.”

As I usually am when people say things that make absolutely no sense, I was completely floored when I heard this. If you know anything about baseball absolutely everything about that statement is completely false. Wrong! Incorrect! Erroneous! I almost wanted to yell at the man across the aisle if he had actually watched his beloved Yankees this season, because I can’t fathom how anyone who watches baseball could make that statement. It’s completely beyond inexplicable how somebody who calls themselves a fan of the New York Yankees could possibly complain about Alex Rodriguez. This is a quick rundown of what A-Rod has done compared to the rest of his Yankee teammates in 2007:

Home Runs: A-Rod 35, Matsui 19, Posada 11
RBI: A-Rod 103, Matsui 71, Abreu 61
Slugging Percentage: A-Rod .641, Posada .516, Matsui .510
OPS: A-Rod 1.053, Posada .929, Matsui .873

By whatever measure you want to use, Alex Rodriguez has been far and away the most productive hitter in the Yankees lineup. And for those “clutch” stats that everyone gets so wound up about? He has a 1.028 OPS with runners in scoring position. He has a 1.146 OPS in “close and late” situations, as ridiculous a split as that is. Captain Clutch Derek Jeter is pulling a .964 and .835 in those categories respectively. Alex Rodriguez is 4 for 9 with the bases loaded this season with 2 home runs and 15 runs batted in. Alex Rodriguez has as many walk-off grand slams as anyone in the history of baseball. Alex Rodriguez has several walk-off home runs this season. Alex Rodriguez is objectively and without question the best player on the New York Yankees and the only reason the Yankees aren’t an afterthought in the American League playoff race. Alex Rodriguez won the American League MVP in 2005, should win it again this season, and in his two “off years” hit a combined 71 home runs. He is the clutch-est, best-est player on the team this year by a wide margin, and yet there are Yankees fans that can’t get the moronic perception out of their heads that he’s a failure.

As you all know, I make fun of Alex Rodriguez. A lot. I also hate the New York Yankees. A lot. Yet, I felt compelled to write a post defending him from the complete stupidity of some of his own fans. What the hell is wrong with this picture? I should be breaking down the Mets’ acquisition of Luis Castillo, yet I’m writing a rant about how good a player on the New York Yankees is because I was so completely thrown for a loop by this guy at the diner yesterday. I can’t believe it.

You know what? I don’t care. I can’t wait for him to leave the Yankees, so next year somebody like Mr. Dumb Baseball Fan From The Diner can wax poetic about Melky Cabrera and Shelly Duncan and whatever non-Alex Rodriguez third baseman replaces him while his team is 15 games behind the Red Sox and A-Rod is still bashing everyone’s brains in for the Angels or Cubs. Until then, though, I’ll have to hear some Yankees fans constantly bitch and moan about how terrible Alex Rodriguez is.

Oh, but don’t worry, because Yankees fans aren’t the only people I’m going to go off on. That’s because I’ve saved up plenty of vitriol for my next post, which is going to take aim at a good number of my fellow New York Mets fans. Rest assured when I say that I’m saving the best (or maybe the worst) for last.

A letter…

I posted the following “open letter to the women of Long Island” to craigslist yesterday out of frustration and boredom, and surprisingly, I’ve gotten a couple of positive responses:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/m4w/381611924.html

I’ll post the text here whenever the listing expires. It’s nice to get random words of encouragement. Maybe there’s hope after all?

On edit: Here’s the full text. This is my most controversial entry to date!

Dear Women of Long Island,

For the past several years I have floated around in your presence, observing how you act inquisitively from the position of an outsider. After all, I can’t think like you – I’m a man, a mere single man. However, I wanted to take this very special opportunity to thank you. Yes, I wanted to thank you because you have managed to do what higher education couldn’t and baffle me completely. For the past four years I have drifted around a loner while I’ve seen every crackpot moron that lives on this god-forsaken island draw your attention. Every moron, that is, except me. It’s given me something to ponder, if nothing else, in lieu of doing something more productive.

I also wanted to congratulate you, because really, you’ve probably picked a winner. Never mind that I have a higher IQ than a field mouse, more varied interests than “cars” and “tits” and would probably be better in the sack than anyone you’ve slept with. No, that’s not important. What is important is that you are happy, even if it’s only superficial. For that I commend you, because pretending is just as good as the real thing! Keep your head up!

It isn’t important that I’d actually care about what you’d have to say, respect your opinion, know about lots of cool things (sports, politics, history, literature – I’m varied) or am just a generally fun guy. I am the proverbial nice guy, the one you bitch and moan about not being able to find after you’ve dumped your latest neanderthal of a boyfriend. I even bother to dress up sometimes to impress your kind, even if it isn’t my favorite thing in the world to do (trust me when I say I’d rather be wearing my Mets jersey). Does it make a difference? Of course it doesn’t. I don’t have the kind of good looks that come from steroids and tanning salons, or an expensive car, so it’s irrelevant. And don’t think that I’m the only one, either. There are plenty of others like me but we don’t have enough shiny things to keep you interested, so we carry on as we were.

So I wanted to take this chance to commend all of you. You’re doing a bang-up job. Enjoy your lives, and in the meantime, I’ll keep searching for that missing half in vain.

Sincerely yours,
Mr. Irrelevant

Who’s Now? More like “Who Cares”.

By now many of you are probably familiar with ESPN’s inane, irrelevant, and ridiculous new feature “Who’s Now?”, where athletes face off against one another via an online poll to answer that question that’s been eating at the sports world for years – what sports star is more “now” than any other? What does that mean? Nobody really knows, but that won’t stop the Worldwide Leader in Sports (TM) from cramming it down your throat every night during SportsCenter!

You’re saying to yourself “nobody cares!”. Well, the suits at ESPN care, and therefore we should all care! After all, we all know how everyone takes the other made-up ESPN crap like the ESPY’s seriously, right? Why should this be any different? I’m being sarcastic here, but bear with me.

Here’s what the discussion might be like if I was drawn in the “Who Gives A Shit?” region of the “Who’s Now?” tournament.

Stuart Scott: Good evening and welcome to tonight’s segment of “Who’s Now?”, where Dreisini first baseman and well-renowned dork Tino is going up against…a can of Pepsi! Just a reminder that tonight’s segment is sponsored by Pepsi. Let’s introduce our panelists, two of the stars of the new movie ‘I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry’, Jessica Biel and Kevin James!

Jessica Biel: Hi! I’m probably one of the hottest women in the world! But really Stuart, it’s great to be here and schill my movie for all the viewers at home instead of do, I don’t know, anything else.

Kevin James: Remember me? I was the King of Queens!

Stuart Scott: Yes, thank you Kevin. I have a glass eye, but nobody seems to care about that either, yo! Fo shizzle!

Kevin James: What the hell are you talking about?

Stuart Scott: I don’t know! Let’s talk about the contestants. We have on one hand Tino and on the other a can of Pepsi. What are your thoughts?

Jessica Biel: Well I, like every other woman on Earth, think Tino is just super-hunky and would totally jump his bones given the chance. However, can he quench my thirst like a can of Pepsi? Does he have the same carbonated goodness? Unlikely.

Kevin James: Tino, like me, is a Mets fan and is probably also funnier than me. I like the kid! However, I gotta agree here. I mean, if you tried putting Tino in a fridge, he’d probably bust his way out and kick your ass! Who wants that kind of a mess at a party? Think of the drama!

Stuart Scott: Word my man! The Pepsi can be chillin’ in there! What about Tino’s new pink hair?

Jessica Biel: He has pink hair? He’s even hotter than I thought! I told Derek Jeter to do that once, and he was all like “No honey A-Rod wouldn’t like that”.

Kevin James: Hey go see our movie! It’s hilarious! Adam Sandler’s in it and stuff!

Stuart Scott: Jack Sparrow Disneyworld! It looks like a deadlock! There’s only one man who can settle the score now – everybody’s favorite former BattleBots host, Sean Sailsbury! What’s the verdict, Sean?

Sean Salisbury: (Waves arms frantically, makes a vague reference to his Canadian Football League days, rambles about Eli Manning’s throwing mechanics)

Stuart Scott: Well, there you have it! Perhaps against a weaker contender like Tab or even Royal Crown Cola Tino would’ve been victorious, but he’s just not more “now” than a cool, refreshing can of Pepsi! Tune in again tomorrow when Eddy Curry of the New York Knicks squares off against a Taco Bell burrito! (insert random slang), have a great night!

Note: Sean Salisbury’s actually had nothing to do with this debacle so far, amazingly. I just threw him in because, well, he’s Sean Salisbury.

Believe it or not this is only slightly more pointless than the actual segment, and it’d probably be more entertaining. ESPN’s really reached a new level of stupidity. I know I’m not the first one on the “Let’s bash ESPN” bandwagon, but seriously people! It used to be about the sports, not about which athlete was more likely to get invited to P. Diddy’s parties! And the cross promotion is just out of control. Really, we know you’re owned by Disney. I don’t need to see Pirates of the Caribbean clips when PITTSBURGH PIRATES highlights come on to remind me.

But, why worry? I have better things to do…like…watch ESPN. After all, it’s the only game in town. Oh well.

A night with the Ducks.

I went to my first Long Island Ducks game on Monday night. The minor league experience is an entertaining one, every seat in the house is good and the price is right (in this case, the price was nothing).

Last summer I went to a Binghamton Mets game and got to see Carlos Gomez and Matt Lindstrom play, both of whom have seen significant major league action this year (Lindstrom’s being with the Marlins). The Ducks, being an independent minor league team, are the opposite end of the spectrum in this respect as they star a number of guys that I used to watch play in the major leagues. These are players like Donovan Osborne, Jose Offerman, Danny Graves and most famously Carl Everett and Edgardo Alfonzo.

Edgardo Alfonzo is one of my favorite Mets ever and frankly it’s kind of sad to see how far his career has come down since the glory days of 1998-2000, but he can still apparently hit Atlantic League pitching even as a shell of his former self. He hit a two-run home run but also made a critical error in the 9th inning playing shortstop. I guess if Julio Franco could kick around all over the place and come back in his fourties there’s still hope for Alfonzo, although it’s hard to believe he’s only 33 years old and yet so far removed from what he used to be.

Carl Everett is another former Met who won a World Series in 2005 with the White Sox and was a feared switch hitter for several years, peaking in 1999 and 2000 with the Astros and Red Sox. He might be more famous, however, for being baseball’s resident crazy-man for almost a decade before Gary Sheffield decided to grab that throne for himself this season. For example, Everett once told SI’s Tom Verducci:

“The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can’t say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex.”

Yup. I wanted to heckle him with “Look out! A T-Rex!” before he hit, but figuring that Carl is probably one of the few people capable of going Ron Artest on somebody I decided against it. Everett was the DH for the Ducks and did nothing of note during the game other than be Carl Everett, that crazy guy who used to be able to hit pretty well.

Also featured prominently was P.J. Rose, aka Pete Rose Jr. I wouldn’t want to bet on any team with Pete Rose Jr. on it, ha ha ha. But seriously, he’s somehow hitting .340, which tells you something about the Atlantic League. There was also Danny Graves, the Ducks closer and another former Met, who blew the save after the team rallied to take an 8-5 lead going into the 9th inning. It reminded me of his days in Flushing.

The most unintentionally funny part of the night was Ray Navarrete (a former Mets farmhand) coming up to the song :”This Is Why I’m Hot”. Clearly he wasn’t, because later in the game he struck out and then proceeded to spike his helmet into the ground and scream “Fuck!” loud enough for half the stadium to hear him.

The Ducks lost 9-8 in 10 innings but I enjoyed my time at the park. The Atlantic League is an interesting mix of failed prospects and former major leaguers looking for one more shot at the show, making it an oddly compelling watch. I’ll be going to Shea Stadium sometime this week as well to watch some current major league players so I should have something to say about that. I always do.

I have a new bachelor pad! And classes!

I finally took care of my housing for the upcoming school year over the weekend by renting out a room off-campus. It’s not in a palace or anything but it’s walking distance from school and it has basic amenities so…I’ll take it. The room is pretty big and I also have a door out to the deck which I thought was nice because being outside and decks are both things I’m interested in. Hopefully I’ll have some kind of vehicle and the ability to legally drive it by the time I move in on September 1st. If not, I’ll learn to like hiking.

My class schedule is also complete for now. 12 credits of public policy graduate work! My intense semester of learning will include:

Political Science 501: Introduction to Statistics for Public Policy Students. In other words, this class is an introduction to statistics for people like me that avoided mathematics like the plague as an undergraduate. The academic extent of my use for math the past four years was generally limited to figuring out how many years War X or Political Upheaval Y lasted. Ironically, I’ve become a huge Baseball Prospectus nerd and I love crunching sports statistics, but having an interest in learning advanced mathematics? Hell no. My 9th grade math teacher, who I will refer to as “Mrs. C”, literally ruined any good feelings I had towards the subject. That was a brutal year. Mrs. C would rail on me for my polynomial shortcomings so at some point I just decided “fuck it” and stopped caring. To this day it was the only time I’ve acted outwardly insubordinate towards a teacher. For example:

Mrs. C: I’m going to call your parents. Do you have a phone?
Me: No, I don’t. I live in a box.

OHHHH WHAT NOW! GOT YOU GOOD YOU EVIL MATH HARPY!

Besides, that shit is boring. Reading about James Blaine’s 19th century political aspirations, now that’s orgasmic!

I actually did take statistics last semester and it went relatively well so I’m cautiously optimistic that this won’t be a train wreck.

Political Science 530: Survey Research and Polling. I surmise this has something to do with asking people how they feel about things and figuring out what that means. I was going to make a poll to practice my mad polling skillz but evidently I have to pay money for that so a big middle finger to the livejournal people for ruining my fun yet again. I feel that the livejournal demographic consists primarily of angst-ridden teenagers and broke college students so asking those same people to pay money for the privilege of a web poll sounds kind of idiotic to me.

Political Science 535: Public Policy Analysis. I don’t know what to say about this other than that it seems to fit the Public Policy trend and it probably involves reading about a lot of legislation, perhaps even analyzing it.

Political Science 537: Administrative Law. An ideal class for someone like me who toyed with the idea of law school but didn’t want to commit to three years of hellish work or the sale of his soul. Fantastic!

My classes would run 6-9 PM every night from Monday to Thursday, so I’d have a three-day weekend. A three day weekend that’s probably going to be beating me over the head with graduate work, but a three day weekend nonetheless.

Of course, my schedule is subject to change (see what I did there? I hate myself sometimes). I’m allowed to take one elective class outside the Public Policy program so I may decide before class starts that there is such a thing as too much public policy, whatever that means. I’m honestly looking forward to all of this but I’m not in a big rush. There’s over a month left of summer to enjoy, with its irresponsibility, softball, and late nights. I’ve given up on finding a job in the very short-term but am going to look for something I can do during the semester (and when my hair is no longer magenta/pink).

Speaking of my hair, it was dyed mid-week and the experience has gone swimmingly. I may not get a chance to do it again, but it’s extremely entertaining to see everyone’s reaction both good and bad. All of this of course being for that noblest of causes, Dreisini Softball!

Wow, this post went longer than I expected. I should be writing more in the near future. I really had nothing interesting to write about the past week (as if this is interesting, yeah right) and words couldn’t do the hair-dying adventure justice. The coming week promises more excitement, however. Stay tuned!

There are signs that can’t be learned…

I have returned from my short writing hiatus. No, I did not spend the weekend actually bashing my head into the wall. Yes, I’m still a cynic. What else is new?

I learned on Saturday that drinking and driving is bad and that accidents are not what you want to have happen when you drive. I’m glad I got that cleared up before I took a few shots of Bacardi and decided to play bumper cars on the LIE. I also went to a Greek festival in the Hamptons, where I ate a lot of food and did a whole bunch of nothing otherwise.

Sunday’s softball victories confirmed that I will have dyed hair by next weekend with magenta being the rumored favorite. It also confirmed that some people need to grow up and handle losing a little bit better. I then spent the night reaffirming my commitment to beer and good times.

All in all, I’d have to call it a successful weekend. I will hopefully have some new ramblings to put up pretty soon, since I’m pretty sure those are a lot more interesting than posts about how I spend my weekends.

I’m also very surprised the smiley for “hot” is so depressed. It really doesn’t bother me that much that it’s 90 degrees in my room all the time, or at least, not enough to send me into manic depression. The moral of this story? LiveJournal smilies are fucking stupid.

On edit: A couple of people have asked me if I actually did get into an accident thanks to the “bumper cars” reference in this post. No, I didn’t, and I would never drive after having even one drink. It was a sarcastic statement meant to denote that I already knew drinking and driving was a terrible idea. I took my pre-licensing driving course over the weekend and we watched a video showing drunk college students driving through foam barriers on an obstacle course. Sorry for not making that clearer.

How I’m Going To Become A Ladies’ Man

The people wanted pissed off rantings. The people are going to get pissed off rantings.

While sitting around staring at the ceiling for the 872nd night in a row in the wee hours of the morning yesterday, I thought of a brilliant way that I could be more popular with the opposite sex. It’s a simply two-step plan that should work wonders for my image. Long gone will be the honest, down to earth, non-douchebag version of Tino you’ve come to know. In his place: pure sexiness! Let’s break it down!

Step One: Appearance

First off, I’m not jacked enough. I’m going to have to drink protein shakes 30 times a day and work out all the time, or at least when I’m not drinking beer or having sex. If that isn’t enough, I’m going to start doing steroids. Sure, my nuts will shrink, but it’s not like that stopped Jose Canseco from being a successful reality-TV show star.

I tend to tan pretty well, but natural isn’t enough. I will be to tanning salons what A-Rod is to transsexual strippers: easy money. If I don’t come out looking like I took a nap in a microwave, I simply haven’t done enough.

My hair will be a classic blowout. Each spike will be measured to be symmetrical and perfect. If I have not spent at least one hour and half a bottle of gel on my hair every morning, I have failed at life.

Tattoos are a must. On my right arm will be a picture of me kicking someone’s ass while drinking a beer, so you know I mean business. On the other arm will be a Kanji symbol that I think means “fierce” or some shit like that. It doesn’t really matter because nobody’s going to want to correct me, anyway.

Ice is also a must. I should be able to blind passing motorists with my jewelery and cause accidents. I’m also going to get an ear piercing, but only if I can afford the 500 karat diamond I want to put there.

My wardrobe will consist of wifebeaters and $200 blue jeans. You will know they are $200 blue jeans because I will remind you at every opportunity. I will buy new sneakers and if you scuff them I will kick the shit out of you.

My parents are failures, having not purchased me a BMW the second I turned 18. I will correct this despite not having a license and take out a massive loan to cover it. There’s a pretty good chance the bill collectors will repossess everything I own pretty soon after that, but I can definitely live it up for a few months until then as I use my car as a vessel for getting laid. Think of the stories I can tell when I’m living in a box in July 2008!

Step Two: Personality

A comprehensive program of making myself dumber will have to also occur if any of this to be possible. Stupification, as I’m going to call it, will consist of me bashing my head into a wall until I pass out. When I awaken, I will continue the process. Once I can no longer properly pronounce any three-syllable words, I’ll know that I did the job right.

I can only hope that any interest I had in history, politics, philosophy, literature, or anything else of real merit dies with my brain cells. Any knowledge of music past the Top 40 stations will go by the wayside, and even then I’m only going to listen to “This Is Why I’m Hot” on my iPod 600 times a day. I don’t have an iPod yet, but I will after I steal one from some random nerd.

Speaking of nerds, I’m going to be as overwhelmingly macho and homophobic as possible and dismiss anyone not like me as a “fag”. All this despite the fact that I’m going to be an unbelievably vain asshole who spends more time on my appearance than most women do.

I’m dropping out of graduate school – school’s for chumps. I’m going to float from menial job to menial job, switching when I get pissed off at how little respect I get despite the fact I call in sick half the time and show up late the other half. I’ll need the money to cover the exorbitant bar tabs I’ll inevitably run up. I at no point will have any illusions of paying off the BMW I bought in Step One.

I can still be a sports fan. However, I will have to disavow knowledge of any teams and players outside New York. If I am asked for my opinion, I will only comment that they “suck ass” and my team “kicks ass” no matter how much objective evidence exists to the contrary. Anyone who disagrees is subject to an ass-kicking.

I’m also going to speak in a thick Long Island accent, say the word “fuck” 30 times a minute (even if I’m not talking to anyone), be piss-drunk virtually all the time and generally treat women like shit. I won’t have a hard time getting the point across in conversations because I won’t have all those messy multi-syllabic words to worry about. The best part? It won’t matter because my body will be IRRESISTIBLE!

This all hinges on the severe brain damage that I’ll presumably incur from smashing my head into a wall hundreds of times. With my intelligence goes any shred of self-consciousness I had, so when I look at myself in the mirror every morning I won’t have to worry about how much I completely despise everything I’ve become. Rather, I won’t be able to stop admiring my cut muscles, impeccable sense of style, or that steroid-induced zit on my nose.

While you admire my plan, I’m going to get started with bashing my head into a wall. Good day to you.

Rickey Henderson: First Base Coach

HELL YEAH! It’s an exciting day in Met Land. It’s hard to believe Rickey is actually a few months younger than Julio Franco is.

Rickey should preach patience to the Mets which can only help, especially with the young players. Plus, the potential for hysterical interviews is endless. “Did you see Lastings draw a walk? Rickey taught Lastings well!” I can only hope more Mets begin referring to themselves in the third person as a result of this.

Speaking of Julio Franco…if he also becomes a coach and gets off the roster, we might really have something. Not having Franco play anymore would mean no more hilarious jokes about how he voted for Ike Eisenhower or some shit like that, but I think I could survive.

ON EDIT: It appears as of 2:50 PM the Mets have released Julio Franco in order to make room for Lastings Milledge on the roster. Good luck to Julio. It was nice while it lasted, but it was clearly time to move on as he was basically a waste of a roster spot at this point.

I am thrilled L. Millz is finally getting another shot on the Mets, I like him and I hope he sticks. As long as he gets at-bats, I think he’ll be alright and we won’t have to make some ridiculous trade for Jermaine Dye. Let him play right field and show Shawn Green the bench once Moises Alou comes back from the dead, please.

ON EDIT AGAIN: It’s Friday, and apparently what’s actually going to happen is that Howard Johnson will be the new hitting coach with Henderson taking over as first base coach. I’m cool with this also. Johnson coached David Wright as he soared through the minors and Henderson will still be around to work with Reyes. Whatever the case, Rick Down is gone, so things are better than they were a couple of days ago.

My fantasy baseball world!

Before I get started, I wanted to simply wonder aloud how Major League Baseball could hype up an EXHIBITION like the All-Star Game, attach the ridiculous caveat that the winning league gets home field advantage in the World Series (which, if I’m not mistaken, never needed a stupid gimmick to be considered “important”), pay Joe Buck to remind us 12,000 times during the course of the evening that “Now it counts!”…and then watch Tony LaRussa leave Albert Pujols, one of the best hitters in the world, on the bench in the ninth inning of a one-run contest so Aaron Rowand could fly out to end the game? Could somebody explain this to me? Even Pujols (who, in case you forgot, happens to be LaRussa’s player) was completely stunned that he did not enter the game.

Asinine.

Rather then dwell on the mental lapses of a baseball genius like Tony LaRussa, I’m ready to do something else with my time. In fact, I’m going to let you in on another time-consuming aspect of my life you will undoubtedly find boring – fantasy baseball! Both of my teams are in first place presently, so quite frankly (thanks Stephen A. Smith!) I feel like bragging. Will this lead to my ultimate demise? Absolutely, but fuck it, I don’t have that much else to brag about. On to the show!

My first team, I Hate Yadier Molina, plays in an 8 team Yahoo! head-to-head league. The stats are standard 5X5 with the addition of OPS and K/BB. Fueled by their owner’s unyielding hatred and rage towards the events of the previous October, they have stormed out to a 106-56-6 record and a 17 game lead. The roster:

Position Players
C: Joe Mauer
1B: Prince Fielder
2B: Placido Polanco
3B: Mike Lowell
SS: Jose Reyes
OF: Grady Sizemore, Carl Crawford, Adam Dunn
Utility: Hunter Pence
Bench: 1B Carlos Pena, 2B Howie Kendrick
DL: SS/OF BJ Upton

Pitchers
Starters: Jake Peavy, Ben Sheets, Josh Beckett, Chris Young, Daisuke Matsuzaka
Relievers: Francisco Cordero, Takashi Saito, Bob Wickman, Eric Gagne, Brian Fuentes
DL: Oliver Perez

Needless to say, I like this team. I managed to get two of my favorite Mets and I’m pretty sure I’m going to cut that slob Bob Wickman after his next blowup, meaning there will be no Yankees or Braves present. Take that, two most hated baseball teams! You’re not good enough for me!

My other team, Porkchop Sandwiches, has a 76-44-10 record an an 11 game lead in a 6 team 5X5 matchup league. It features much of the same cast from IHYM: Fielder, Sizemore, Peavy, Young, Saito, Wickman, and Cordero. I’m not going to type out the whole roster for this team because it’s a 6 team league and it just looks ridiculous, but it’s probably the only time I’m ever going to be able to have Albert Pujols and Miguel Cabrera in the same lineup. I’m also not sure how I managed to have Bob Wickman on both my teams, but that kind of pisses me off now that I think about it.

What does all this mean? If you’re a fan of the Padres, Red Sox or Brewers you should probably be worried because I own a bunch of your important players and that usually doesn’t bode well for them. An inevitable late season flameout is now guaranteed that I’ve spent the time to let you know how my teams are doing. It was fun while it lasted! Maybe I’ll post an update later in the season because it’d be a shame if this was the last time I talked about my fantasy baseball exploits until Aaron Heilman’s Bloody Revenge takes the field in 2008.

Hooray responsibility!

This week should be an adventure in self-sufficiency. I get to do online house-hunting for the place I’m going to be moving into for graduate school as well as search for available job opportunities in the area. I didn’t do any of this over the weekend because I spent it the way I should spend every weekend: partying and playing softball. The time has come to be productive, sadly. If anyone knows of any possibilities as far as a job or a place to live, feel free to let me know. I’d appreciate any tips enormously.

I’m hoping I find a job very soon because if our softball team sweeps this weekend’s doubleheader I have promised to dye my hair a color of the team’s choice, with the exception of pink. That promises to be hysterical if we pull it off, but I imagine it’d be harder to find a job with lime green or navy blue hair.

I also intend to start working out more, although anytime I say that I get lazy after a month or so and stop. I’ve been playing basketball and running when I’m not on the softball field to stay in shape but I want to do more.

Tomorrow I’m probably going to post a very uninteresting rundown of my first-half fantasy baseball exploits and maybe I’ll write something about the Mets’ first half. I actually said this to one of my friends a few weeks ago:

“The Mets will probably win the division and win it by a decent margin. However, they’re also going to do enough to keep me aggravated with them until the end of the season.”

So far, that sounds about right.