The New York Post and Gossip Girl in: Both Of These Things Are Terrible!

Now and then, I’ll read the online edition of the New York Post because, I don’t know, I guess I kind of hate myself. A couple of weeks back, its entertainment section (always a good read if you like losing IQ points as much as I apparently do) asked the hard hitting question that’s been on everyone’s mind this fall: “How realistic is ‘Gossip Girl’s depiction of life at NYU?” The result was a vapid article so devoid of any meaning so as to threaten to make the universe collapse on itself in the revelation that, after billions of years, everything that’s been created and will be created is a complete and utter fraud. Or something like that. As always, remember the depressing reality that somebody gets paid money to write this. Let’s get it on!

NYU freshman orientation has begun on “Gossip Girl” — and real-life NYU students are finding it, like, totally absurd.

I always think it’s funny when people complain that a show where nobody acts like a human being that anybody can relate to in the first place is absurd. No shit, you’re watching a show about the completely pointless lives of a bunch of spoiled rich white brats. From what I understand they basically have sex all the time and generally act the way you would expect a bunch of shallow rich assholes to act. Oh, and it’s aimed at 16-to-20 year old girls, which I assume is the only reason it’s popular.

Keg parties on rooftops? Heading to the Housing Office to request being roomed with a friend as a frosh? NYU being less expensive than Yale?

Communal showers?

So not true, say fans, who also happen to have intimate knowledge of the actual university they attend.

Awwww shit! Rich kid fight!

In last Monday’s episode, viewers learned that Blair (Leighton Meester) and Georgina (Michelle Trachtenberg) — now roomies — and Dan (Penn Badgley) and Vanessa (Jessica Szohr), all moved into the same dorm on Fifth Avenue, the fictional “Ehrlich Residence Hall,” which seems to be a thinly-veiled stand-in for real-life Rubin Hall, a freshman-only NYU dorm.

The only reason I quoted this is to wonder aloud why Leighton Meester is in Cobra Starship songs now. Also, check out this picture of Vanessa and Kelly (and yes, I looked their names up) in the article:

Surprisingly and disappointingly, the article doesn’t mention whether or not it’s gotten any harder to find spray-on tan in the Lower West Side as a result of ‘Gossip Girl’.

In response to the “Gossip Girl” suggestion that NYU students would turn down Blair’s sushi and saketini party (located in the common room, no less) in favor of the aforementioned rooftop kegger, NYU Local blogger Natan Edelsburg had two things to say:

“Fuck you. Why are you asking me this? Who gives a shit?” It’s too bad they don’t ask me these questions. Actually, it’s probably for the better. Also, I got rejected from NYU, so I have no clue. Let’s see what Natan has to say.

* “Do you think when the writers wrote this part they were considering the fact that a central memory from every NYU freshman is sake bombing on Bleecker?”

Yeah, seriously. What a bunch of noobs. Everybody knows that.

* “Would there really be a rooftop party at Ehrlich Residence Hall? Don’t the writers know that in NYU housing we’re forbidden to peek outside of our windows for the slight chance that we might kill ourselves?”

Or, the slight chance you might throw your television out the window after realizing you watch ‘Gossip Girl’. Burned!

As for Blair and Georgina’s jumbo-sized dorm room, one NYU Local blogger comments, “I think NYU’s love of money explains the size [of the room]. I would bet that Blair paid NYU to convert a room that originally houses 3-4 people.”

Totally. I bet this will be mentioned in a future episode. When the international students next door complain about the loud noises coming from their room at 4 AM and the school threatens to separate the pair, it’ll be up to the strength of their friendship to fight the power and stay together. Also: money, and somebody will sleep with a Chinese exchange student to complicate matters. DRAMA!

One blog commenter did give the series props though for a reference to “Art & the World,” a class that he says he actually took during his freshman year at Tisch.

NYU officials declined to comment.

I assume they were too busy smoking out of rolled-up $100 bills to comment. This is fortunate and probably saved some of NYU’s reputation.

If you’re wondering if I feel like a worse human being for writing this, the answer is: yes, yes I do.

Media-Whoring Baby Factory Makes Another Baby, Gets More Media Whoring.

Remember Idiocracy? The movie about how the dumb people out-bred all the smart people so that America got progressively dumber? Well, it might just be happening. Mike Celizic, who’s better known as “HatGuy” to Fire Joe Morgan readers, takes a break from mediocre sportswriting to bring us this mediocre human-interest story about a family that just can’t stop having babies:

After 18 children, Michelle Duggar thought she knew what it feels like to be pregnant. But even she was caught by surprise to learn that just eight months after she gave birth to Jordyn-Grace, Duggar baby No. 19 is on the way.“We are thrilled to announce that we found out we’re expecting our 19th child,” a glowing Michelle Duggar told TODAY’s Meredith Vieira Tuesday from the family’s home in Springdale, Ark.

Right off the bat I’m supposed to believe that Michelle Duggar, she of the previous 18 children, who has spent the last two decades more or less pumping babies out, was surprised that she was (as we find out) having all sorts of unprotected sex and got pregnant yet again? The first 18 times weren’t surprising, but the 19th time, the 19th fucking time she got pregnant was? Either Michelle Duggar is dumb (likely), or she thinks whoever is reading this is pretty dumb. Seeing as the Today Show thought highly enough of this non-news conference to send Meredith Viera there and make a story out of it, maybe she should think everyone’s that dumb. I’m looking forward to Meredith asking Jon or Kate what they have to say about this because, you know, it’s important to tie the important news together.

We also find out that Duggar’s daughter-in-law Anna, the wife of his oldest child, was already expecting a child. After some usual fluff-piece banter about how Viera totally wished the kid would be named Meredith (LOL!), Anna Duggar offers this gem of a quote:

With just six weeks to go before delivery, Anna said, “I’m feeling good. I’m feeling really pregnant. It’s neat. It’s exciting. I definitely have great role models, and it’s neat to watch Mrs. Duggar teach and love her children.”

How this is any different from the millions of women that also “feel very pregnant” (is that a medical term?) right now, I don’t know, but I do know that considering your mother-in-law that’s having her 19th kid a “role model” means there might be a reality show in it for you down the road!

The Duggars, who star in the long-running reality show “18 Kids and Counting” on TLC, will have a grandchild who is older than their own child.

I’ve never seen this show (or even heard of it before reading this), but I’m going to wager a guess that this and the media attention the family gets might have something to do with the fact they can get off so comfortably and “debt-free,” as they put it. Also note that the show is called “18 Kids and Counting.” Very surprising indeed that you’d have another kid, Mrs. Duggar. when the name of your crappy reality show implies as much. Liar.

Then there’s this fun fact:

Michelle has now been pregnant 147 months of her life, with five more to go. That’s 12-plus years and counting.

I am, as you may know, a man. Hence, I will never have the unenviable task of carrying a child. However, I’m pretty sure that sounds downright unpleaseant. To be fair, I don’t expect any fluff piece like this to seriously challenge how socially irresponsible or reckless it is to have that many children, or even question how dumb it might be to glorify the act of having that many children (which seems to be the point of this whole exercise), but towards the end this article just veers off right towards Crazyville:

After Josh was born, Michelle went back on the pill. She got pregnant anyway and suffered a miscarriage, which her physician told them was probably caused by the pill. As conservative Christians, they decided after that to let God decide how many children they would have. They adhere to a Christian movement called Quiverfull, whose members take seriously the biblical exhortation to be fruitful and multiply and believe that every child is a gift from Providence.

Three things about this:

1. “Quiverfull” is an awesome name for a sect of Christianity that calls on having as many kids as possible. “Quiverfull” sounds like an outdated sexual euphemism, and possibly even something that would’ve been used in medieval erotic literature, which I think is spectacular.

2. Whether or not there’s a God or any other deity of your choosing, I’m pretty sure that if He does exist He doesn’t want you selfish assholes breeding dozens of kids that will grow up to breed more kids and help suck up every last drop of this whatever this planet has left to give everyone else. My kids are going to need food and water too. Dickheads.

3. Okay, I understand that the pill had some terrible, tragic consequences, and that led you to stop using it. I get that. Now, if only another device existed, perhaps something that could be worn by one of the partners during sexual intercourse with the intention of preventing a pregnancy. It would have a high rate of success, and allow you to enjoy all the benefits of getting your swerve on without any of the hassle of bearing 1.5 dozen children or more. I wonder if such a contraption exists?

Nah. Impossible.

All joking aside for a second, worldhunger.org estimates there may be as many as 13 million hungry or at-risk children in the United States alone. There are undoubtedly hundreds of millions more around the world. There are serious questions raised all the time about the continued abundance of food, water, and other natural resources on Earth as this century wears on, given that the fact the Earth’s population continues to climb (largely in underdeveloped areas thanks to a lack of education and poor access to contraceptives).

Given all of these things,  the idea that Celizic, Viera, NBC, TLC and whoever else makes a story out of these people want us to think things like “Wow! She’s been pregnant 12 years! What a mom!” and “Oh their grandkid is older than their kid LOL!” instead of making light of how stupid, selfish, and socially irresponsible having 19 children is, is a complete joke. I’m supposed to feel good for these people? Screw them. At the very least, stop giving them attention. Maybe they’d stop pumping out babies every 18 months as soon as Meredith Viera stopped showing up.

Sometimes I worry.

MySpite #1: The New Starbucks Ad Campaign Has Hit A Nerve

Reader Gennady writes in with the following picture and complaint about everyone’s favorite omnipresent coffee chain. In the interest of full disclosure, the editor of this page does enjoy the mocha frappucino there from time to time, but I digress – onto the rant:

This is the latest subway ad campaign that Starbucks is running.

When I saw this on the R train at about 1 AM last night, my jaw dropped at the bravado with which Starbucks advertises its crappy product. First of all, they are a chain just like McDonald’s and Burger King except they charge twice as much as any other place for a cup of coffee.  Other than the free wi-fi*, I don’t understand why anyone goes out of their way to buy a cup of coffee there. Personally, the only thing I buy there is the Passion Tea. It is pretty good and relatively cheap compared to their $3 coffee.  Some people buy other drinks there, but these drinks are most definitely not coffee. If you your drink has hot chocolate, vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, sprinkles, and hot fudge you are not drinking coffee. If you consider that coffee, you may as well consider any caffeinated beverage coffee.

There are several things about this ad which I found particularly troubling. First of all the colors and textures used in this ad suggest something very homely and natural about Starbucks Coffee.  If you ever stand on line at Starbucks and listen to the ridiculous orders that people make, you will quickly realize that there is nothing natural or homely about Starbucks Coffee. Another part of this ad that troubled me was that Zagat rated it #1 for its coffee. How could it be possible that in all of NYC there is no place to get coffee as good as Starbucks? I don’t believe it. I can find at least four coffee shops, cafes  and delis in my neighborhood that have better coffee than the three Starbucks in my neighborhood.

Finally, the slogan “This is what Coffee tastes like when you pour your heart into it,” is just ridiculous. THERE IS NOTHING GOOD ABOUT SELLING COFFEE THAT PURPOSEFULLY TASTES LIKE IT IS BURNED.  Starbucks’ coffee is designed to have a burned smoky flavor. The idea is nice, but most of the people who work at Starbucks do not know how to make it correctly and as a result the coffee tastes terrible and people buy all these other drinks and pretend they are drinking coffee. There are so many other things that can be said about their coffee, but I am going to leave it alone and hope that others add their spite.

* – Editor’s note: I’ve been informed the wi-fi at Starbucks is not really free, at least not without strings attached. Neither here nor there, however.

What do you think? Is Starbucks full of it? Do you love it or hate it? Agree with Gennady? Hate the fact he’s complaining about Starbucks? Have a problem with a different ad on the R train? Feel free to talk about it in the comments section, or, if you’re feeling particularly saucy, write in and let me know what you think. Or, just sip away at your $5 mocha frappucino and remain neutral, you bourgeois trash you.

And the winner is…

This Is Not A Love Blog.

Thank you to the five people who voted (I was the sixth and also gave myself a tiebreaker vote, because I’m the Dictator of Irrelevantville). I do like MySpite, and the split vote denotes that this site’s readership (5 being an appropriate example) was fairly divided on the subject. There are three good reasons I decided to go with the eventual winner:

1. I feel like I’ve moved beyond spite. Now my writing occasionally features feelings like “mild annoyance” and “apathy.”
2. This blog is certainly not about love. At least, not about Cupid and hearts and all that, unless I go on more catastrophic dates.
3. I can actually register http://www.thisisnotaloveblog.com, which excites me entirely too much.

“MySpite” is not gone, however, thanks to the enthusiastic response a couple of you gave me. To the people that come across this, I am opening a new irregular feature on the blog called “MySpite.” I will take your submissions – they can be text, photos, whatever, about something that infuriates you and I will post it will full credit to the author. I fully expect it to go nowhere, so if it doesn’t expect the name to stick around some other way. Also, I thought it was very appropriate that I close the poll with 6 votes. It all fits the spirit I’m going for here.

I think, in the end, it just…works. There are plenty of blogs about love (Google it if you don’t believe me), but now there’s only one that proudly states that it isn’t. You’ll just have to get all of that elsewhere. Many thanks to Public Image Ltd. for the name’s inspiration, and of course, YOU.

Now, it’s time to get on with it.

Vote on a new name for this blog!

I have closed the contest after one submission, because really, I don’t care enough and neither do you. Earlier today I had narrowed it down to just a few choices, and after careful consideration, I have narrowed it down to two:

MySpite: A Place for Discontent: Credit for this goes to Gennady, the only person to submit anything in the two days this contest remained open.

This Is Not A Love Blog: A play on the Public Image Ltd. song “This Is Not A Love Song,” which was meant to sneer at the number of songs about love.

The poll will remain open for an undetermined period of time (read: until I get tired of waiting to change the name). Have fun.

It’s Always Sunny In Medford #13

A summary of the 2009 Mets season would have already read like some kind of dark comedy weeks ago. When Luis Castillo finally got injured by slipping down the dugout steps, it wasn’t surprising that it had happened, it was only surprising that it was a relatively minor injury and didn’t result in the amputation of his leg. After that, only three prominent Mets had been unaffected by the plague, and then this happened:

Whoops. It was a good thing I was at the beach when this happened, or else I probably would’ve acted in a completely reasonable way, by screaming things like “FUCK MATT CAIN, FUCKING KICK HIS ASS RIGHT NOW” at my television. As it turned out, it was unintentional, Wright went on the disabled list with a concussion, and the 2009 season had its signature moment. At least, until Johan Santana and Francisco Rodriguez get severe carpal tunnel syndrome from playing Guitar Hero in the clubhouse, or Carlos Beltran rushes back and suffers a serious injury for a team that’s 13.5 games out of first place (and one of these things might actually happen!).

If you think about it, the 2009 season was really the only appropriate exclamation point on this Mets era. From 2006 to 2008, the Mets had the best record in the National League overall by a significant margin, and had one playoff berth to show for it. There were the injuries, the Wilpons losing hundreds of millions of dollars to Bernie Madoff, the Mets losing a game to the Yankees on a dropped pop-up, Omar Minaya calling out a beat reporter for lobbying for a job – almost every conceivable absurd thing that could have happened did, and in the process, the organization’s failings were exposed in the cruelest way possible, when those said injuries showed just how neglected a large portion of the organization had been for the past three years. Free agent signings are nice, but a failure to build a deep farm system will eventually come back to haunt you.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want pity. I made this choice. A Pirates fan reading this would surely tell me to go fuck myself, the same way I roll my eyes when a Yankees fan bemoans his team’s postseason failures since 2000. Mets fans born in the 1980’s, like me, who’ve seen what they’ve seen and had to grow up through the Yankees Dynasty, have a certain, unique brand of self-loathing and cynicism. Whereas older fans stick to “You Gotta Believe”, I think a lot of fans surely know better than that, contrary to whatever Matt Cerrone says. Until proven otherwise, I will hope for the best and expect the worse. In fact, you can read all about it in my upcoming book, “Yadier Molina Ruined My Life.”

To recap other sports news lately: Vick Favre Favre Favre, Vick Vick Vick Favre Favre. Oh, and Plaxico Burress essentially got 24 times the jail time for being a moron and shooting himself as Donte Stallworth did for killing a man, which certainly makes sense. I do hope for the best for Plax, as he gave me the best sports moment of my life to date when he destroyed the dreams of millions of New Englanders and helped pull off the kind of insane incredibly awesome moment the Mets haven’t come close to giving me in my lifetime all at once. I mentioned it just because I can, and I’m going to embed it in this post just because I can. Enjoy:

FREE PLAX.

Beyond that, loyal reader(s), I would like to announce this blog’s first ever contest! I’ve decided that this blog’s name (“The Condor Never Sleeps At Night”) sort of sucks. I thought it up when I had but a LiveJournal and really, I think it’s time to retire it. I mean, LiveJournal actually had an option for choosing a smiley that best fit my mood. Guh. We’re in the big leagues now. As such, I would like to choose a name that’s clever and somewhat less self-aggrandizing and far more awesome than the current one.

When submitting entries, keep in mind the nature of this blog. “It’s Always Sunny In Medford” is already in consideration, so no, you can’t use that. Entries that cleverly use song titles, however, are legal for use, like “Medford Calling” or “Smells Like Tino Spirit”, as is pretty much anything else. I’ll be taking suggestions for an indefinite period of time, after which I will announce a winner, who will receive an indefinite prize (most likely, an autographed picture of myself, valued at zero dollars). So get crackin’, and send me your best suggestions for what the hell to call this thing from now on.

I’ll be looking forward to the one or two submissions I expect to receive, and I’ll announce a winner accordingly. In the meantime, take care folks. Until next time, remember: it’s always sunny in Medford. That is, except when it rains, which apparently is all the fucking time this summer.

Update: Oh, WTF?!

There Will Not Be A Worse Music Video In 2009 Than This

Papa Roach burst onto the scene in 2000 as another voice for a generation of angst-ridden teenagers who expressed their simmering inner rage by spending $15 on band t-shirts at Hot Topic. Since then, the band has released a number of albums with varying degrees of commercial success, rarely diverging from its original formula.  In 2009, the latest iteration of Papa Roach has hit the airwaves, and this time they’re going to out-angst all of those other pussies that don’t look nearly as INTENSE when they’re screaming about getting a blowjob. Seriously.

Ignoring for a moment the music (as difficult as that may be), the video itself tells you right away it’s going to be so EDGY as to out-EDGE anything that’s ever tried to be EDGY before. A couple of dudes in suits show up waving money around, which I’m guessing is supposed to be some kind of scathing indictment of big business, or something. I don’t really know because it has nothing to do with the rest of the video, which turns out to be so patronizing as to make the suggestion that Papa Roach (a DreamWorks Records artist) is anti-establishment completely fucking hilarious.

You may also notice right away that the video prominently features chicks making out with each other throughout. Nothing screams “EDGY” like the stuff of contrived Katy Perry songs and Girls Gone Wild videos. Really, has anything had its shock value and sexuality been as exploited by the music industry as much as that of two women tongue wrestling? Here, it’s a transparent attempt to get Papa Roach’s demographic to go “OMG HOT!!!! HOW AWESOME!” and get non-listeners to talk about it as “the video with the hot goth chicks making out!!!1!”.

I told you it was patronizing. Oh, and there’s a dude on meat hooks. SHOCK VALUE!!!!

All of this goes on as lead singer Jacoby Shaddix appears to have a three minute long seizure, bulging his eyes out and making hand gestures as to let you know he’s PISSED. The other band members are also featured, and at one point the drummer starts slamming on his set with two hands, because he’s PISSED. FUCK. All because when your song EDGY lyrics like this, you need to be INTO IT:

You know I love it when you’re down on your knees
And I’m a junky for the way that you please
You shut me up when you swallow me down
My back to the wall you’re going to town

The lyrics themselves are nearly as vomit-inducing as the thought of this asshole getting a blowjob from anyone. Oh, and blowjobs? EDGY. ROCK. FUCK YEAH.

I hate to say it but it has to be said
You look so fragile as I fuck with your head
I know it shouldn’t but it’s getting me on
If sex is the drug then what is the cause?

I almost told you that I loved you
Thank god I didn’t ’cause it would’ve been a lie
I say the damnedest things when you’re on top of me
I almost told you that I loved you

Disgusting? Check. Overt misogyny? Check. This song has every overly-macho butt-rock cliche one could possibly want. All that’s keeping it from the impossibly bad realm of Brokencyde is some shitty rapping and an autotune device. Other than that, it isn’t much better, and there’s no doubt that they take themselves very seriously.

What would a breakdown of this video and song be without the YouTube Commenter Theater? Papa Roach fans are understandably pysched, as well as devoid of taste:

KICK ASS!! I LOVE PAPA ROACH ALL YOU HATERZ CAN GO FUCK YOURSELFS! and alot of you are putting gay ass comments that have nothing to do with this song or papa roach so shut up!

Ah, an eloquent rebuttal to all the “HATERZ” out there. My shit has been aptly ruined.

wow it’s been a long time since i heard some true rock! i fuckin loved the song

If this is “true rock”, then please put a gun to it’s head and pull the trigger immediately, because it needs to be dead.

he looks FUCKING INSANE!!!, i think its a good look, a little bit of shock factor to the parental units.

Yes, how shocking. If I was a parent and my 14 year old son listened to Papa Roach, I’d definitely be shocked. Shocked that I raised a child that actually likes listening to Papa Roach.

I sincerely doubt any video will be as hilariously bad as this anytime soon, which is why I’ve decided to punt the rest of 2009 and just declare this the worst video of the year. It’s a crash course in everything that sucks about pop-metal. No, it’s not quite Brokencyde, but it’s not too far off, and that’s saying something terrible.

It’s Always Sunny In Medford #12 (In Which I Apologize To Jason Mraz)

Dear Jason,

I’m aware you will never read this, or for that matter any of the bad things I have written about your music. However, since your fans have commented on them, I figured I should address my true feelings on it. By “fans” I mean “friends of mine that like you”, and by “comment on them”, I mean “ironically dedicate your songs to me during karaoke outings.” I figured I should offer this olive branch, because there’s a misconception as to just how much any of it really bothers me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan. “I’m Yours” is fluff, “Lucky” is one of the most overwrought pieces of crap I’ve ever heard anywhere, and generally, your songs’ lyrics sound like they were ripped from the script of a terrible romantic comedy. The truth is, however, I really don’t care that much about your music. It’s mostly pretty harmless, I suppose, and it appeals to a certain bubbly, hopelessly optimistic demographic.  Besides, you aren’t the only bland white dude who picked up a guitar and got a record deal. Matt Nathanson, for example, got popular for basically breathing into a microphone for a few minutes. It isn’t just you!

It’s not my thing, but again, whatever. It’s not going to cause the unraveling of western civilization or anything. This, however, might:

The band is called Brokencyde, and it’s part of a genre called “screamo-crunk”, which I can only assume was created as the product of some kind of dare to see if somebody could combine the very worst of every genre of music at once. Truly, this video encapsulates everything there is to hate about modern music. Most of the people I have shown this video to can only watch about 15 seconds, making it only a slightly more bearable than waterboarding and suggesting that Brokencyde may be in violation of the Geneva Convention.

You can usually tell how shitty a band is by their name, but not even a name like “Brokencyde” could prepare one for the unprecedented levels of suck brought to the table here. Their youtube channel includes videos of the band members (supposedly) doing drugs and generally being the tremendous douchebags they appear to be in their video. There is really no explanation for anything going on here – somebody conceived the music, wrote up the lyrics, and made this video, without at any point thinking to themselves “Man, this is a pretty fucking terrible idea, isn’t it?” That is troubling, to say the least.

An intrepid researcher/prankster added this informative blurb to their Wikipedia entry:

Metal Edge Magazine has called brokeNCYDE “fucking horrendous”.^[10] Thrash Magazine has called them “a mockery to the world of music”.^[11] Another metal magazine, Decibel, has repeatedly made fun of the band, mentioning them in a interview with the group Big Business, and once ironically referring to then as their “favorite screamo-crunk band”. British commentator Warren Ellis calls brokeNCYDE’s “Freaxxx” music video “a near-perfect snapshot of everything that’s shit about this point in the culture”.^[12] Says August Brown of the Los Angeles Times, “The ‘Albucrazy’-based band has done for MySpace emo what some think Soulja Boy did for hip-hop: turn their career into a kind of macro-performance art that exists so far beyond the tropes of irony and sincerity that to ask ‘are they kidding?’ is like trying to peel an onion to get to a perceived central core that, in the end, does not exist and renders all attempts to reassemble the pieces futile.”^[13]

Fantastic!

For an added kick, I checked out the video’s YouTube comments. YouTube comments, regardless of video content, are generally a pretty grand cesspool of subliterate jackassery. The comments here were, unsurprisingly, no different. What is surprising is that there are actually fans of this shit:

Again let me ask u the same question.
Why the fuck are u watching it if u hate them?
Silence cuz u know u have no life.

And:

IF PEOPLE DON’T LIKE THIS SONG OR THE BAND THEN WHY ARE YOU LOOKING IT UP?!

JUST LET PEOPLE LISTEN TO MUSIC THEY’RE HAPPY WITH!!!!! ITS SIMPLE!!! STFU!!  awesome song though!!!

Of course, if you can’t defend the music, bring up how much tail the band (allegedly) gets:

oh and another thing
i saw them in concert and a bunch of hot girls were goin in there limo with them
can you do that
didnt think so
SHUT THE FUCK UP ! (:
brokencyde is amazing

Yeah! You tell ‘em Shannon101895!

If it comes out that this was all a big practical joke, I’ll look stupid for writing this, but these people will look even stupider. I take solace in that. Fortunately, there’s plenty of people who still have enough taste to decide that this is pretty much the worst thing ever, but the fact this exists is troubling. In fact, I’ll go as far as to say that the only acceptable explanation for this is that it’s a social experiment to test the absolute limits of human taste. Whether that is or isn’t the case, congratulations people! We’ve hit a new low! Pat yourselves on the back.

Where was I? Oh yeah: Jason, take solace in the fact that you’ll never be as bad as Brokencyde, and know that this is the last time I’ll mention you here. As it turns out, there’s far greater evils out there. I think we can all agree on that.

Sincerely,

Tino

My First Hate Comment! Hooray!

May 1st, 2009 will go down as another big day in the meaningless, uneventful history of this blog. With the recent traffic generated (now dwindling) by the flukishly popular article that featured Lady Gaga, I got a number of comments which were mostly positive from random visitors to the site (except for one critiquing my use of “oh snap” – but I’ll let that slide). It’s entertaining and interesting, having folks other than your buddies from home comment on your posts. However, with that comes inevitable criticism, and I finally received one that wasn’t either via Facebook (because who cares?) or the product of my mockery of Derek Jeter worship. Take it away, Summer Johnson:

i cant seem to understand what your point is… pathetic.

I don’t even know how to react. I mean, for one, I assumed Summer Johnson wasn’t a real name, but the kind of name writers give to characters on The OC or some other dogshit show that’s about ridiculously wealthy teenagers and their daily struggles to survive a life of slacking and repeated sexual misadventures. Therefore, I’ll assume Summer Johnson isn’t your real name. I’ll also assume that since the IP address is from Texas that you might be something like this, although I submit that my worldview is significantly shaped by late night reruns. In all seriousness, am I surprised that somebody supposedly named Summer Johnson didn’t like what I wrote about? Not at all.

I’m also somewhat confused as to what you’re bemoaning – your own failure to grasp my point or, perhaps more likely, the fact that whatever you read doesn’t have a point. If it’s the latter, then congratulations! You’ve found out the dirty little secret of this blog: it has no real point. I’m actually proving as much by writing several paragraphs about an unspectacular, poorly written comment just because it marks some kind of meaningless milestone. Hey, I have people bitching at me in the comments section of my own blog! I’m marginally more relevant than I was a few hours ago!!!!!

Summer, I sincerely thank you for being the first negative comment on this site by somebody whose baseball writing I didn’t directly lampoon. I had to get it out of the way at some point. In fact, I encourage all comments, positive, negative, or whatever. I assure you if you have something bitchy to say I probably won’t give you the Summer Johnson treatment and immortalize it with its own post, unless it’s somehow especially hilarious.

In the meantime, I wish you all luck in understanding the point in your future reading endeavors.

Domestic Violence? More like Domestic Vi-LOL-ence!

Recently, 92.3 FM in New York changed it’s format from an all-rock station (K-ROCK, as it was formerly known) to Top 40 (Now FM). I have to say that if there’s one thing New York needed more of it was Top 40 radio, because it’s already impossible to turn on your FM receiver and not hear Flo Rida’s “Right Round” playing on four different stations at the same time. Why not have a fifth, right? I digress; this post isn’t written to be a rant about the saturation of the airwaves with terrible music.

This Thursday evening, I was sitting in my car and eating a burger while flipping through my car radio presets. Since 92.3 is still one of them, I happened to land on it for the last few moments of a song I actually liked and, since I didn’t immediately change the station, caught the two DJs having a conversation. It was the usual inane radio DJ fare, except this time it caught my attention because they were encouraging women to text message them with hilarious stories to see whose boyfriend had the worst temper.

The DJ’s were already very amused by the responses they had gotten, and one of them read the following text message they had received (this isn’t word for word, but I’m paraphrasing here):

“My boyfriend has the worst temper. One time, he threw a coffee table at me! Crazy European temper!”

Now, without getting into a big thing on the relationship that this girl (or the next girl I’m going to mention) has with her boyfriend: what the fuck? I’m pretty sure having a “European temper” doesn’t normally excuse throwing coffee tables at women, and I’m pretty sure that this makes your boyfriend a colossal fuck-up at life. It’s really not funny or cute that you date someone that does this (unless the person lied to get themselves on the radio, in which case they’re in dire need of attention). Of course, what I’m saying here would be the rational response to someone telling you that they’re dating someone that throws coffee tables at them, but the DJs didn’t seem to think so, no; they thought it was fucking hilarious. Yes, a woman practically told them that her boyfriend commits acts of domestic battery, and they encouraged other women to do the same for their amusement.

Amazing.

They weren’t done, though. As I mentioned earlier, there was another girl who texted in and got her text message read on the air as well. This one went something like this:

“My boyfriend has a really bad temper; he throws all sorts of things at me. One time, he threw his cellphone and broke it!”

Another brilliant example of a winner (sarcasm, for the dense) and another story the DJs found uproarious. These weren’t shock jocks; they were just two no names on a Thursday evening in New York taking examples of spectacularly fucked up relationships and having a chuckle about it. It was mind boggling/

I’m aware there’s a market for these things, of course. There’s shock jocks, and we’ve all watched Jerry Springer before; there’s a certain train-wreck fascination people seem to have with the bottom of the barrell of society. I’m not always above that (who hasn’t watched an episode of Jerry?), and of course we all have tempers and all do stupid things; I’m not under the impression throwing things at your significant other is a normal thing, however, or something that should be made light of. There’s plenty of fail to go around here, from the relationships themselves to the no-name DJ’s that probably used it as an idea to get people to go “OMG!” (and the fools like me that probably took the bait), but I couldn’t help but have this feeling afterwards:

“What the fuck is wrong with you people? Throwing coffee tables? Funny? Acceptable? Fucking hell.”

Through my own experiences I’m starting to find that trying to explain or rationalize a lot of human behavior is a pretty fucking frustrating task, but it’s always great to get little reminders of just how screwed up we are. Sometimes, I think there really isn’t much hope. Sometimes, I just think things are kinda fucked. Thanks, NOW FM, for that sobering reminder of human failure. But hey, just put on some more Flo Rida, and let’s all keep pretending that it’s all good.